The Contemplative Psyche

Done Hiding

2011-11-19T18:39:00.001-08:00

Anchor

2011-11-19T14:17:00.001-08:00

Who is your anchor?

Facing ...

2011-11-18T17:05:00.001-08:00

Growing, growing, and growing.
Painful, painful, and painful.

I am beginning to recognize how ... truly truly truly ignorant I am.
Things are happening all around me, and I feel such a bystander.
Do I ever really take a stand on anything?

We talked about neutrality. We talked about silence.
How important it is, yet how destructive it can be.
Sin by omission as oppose to commission.

"Take a stand!" - That's the message I have been hearing today.

I reach out - I leap (eyes closed)

Where am I?

Enough of the abstract... now to the concrete.

I am learning today, of all days, to speak - make my voice heard. Air my grievance. Take a side. Make a choice. No more pussy-footing. What is I really want?

I want to look into the mirror and see what everyone sees.

I shine.

I am this funny, creative, capable individual who makes the best effort to be there for others (sometimes, at the expense of meeting my own needs).

I have my flaws, true, who doesn't - but enough of flaws... for I have the fantastic as well.

People stop talking, turn around and take a moment to give me my space. Anyone will say, I have presence. I come across as self-assured who talks knowledgeably about topics at hand even those that I admit I am not the most familiar. Yet, people welcome my thoughts, my opinions - that I always offer something worthwhile. I am worthwhile.

Yes, this post is a self-aggrandizing one, BUT come on, if I don't do it, WHO will?

And here I stand, pussy-footing around, wanting your attention. Your attention means I'm worthwhile. That is NOT true. It is because I am worthwhile that you want to give me your attention.

For I shine.

What do I LOVE to do?

2011-11-17T11:58:00.000-08:00

A colleague of mine posted on her facebook wall: Instead of asking, "What do you want to be?" Ask, "What do you LOVE to do?"

My answer to that would be :-
I LOVE to meet and engage with people, communicate in a manner that enables me to learn about them and, perhaps, connect with them in a real meaningful way. I want that interaction to be the foundation from which I am inspired to ideas that will help them and others like them to be better, feel better, achieve better for themselves.
I LOVE to take an idea, and make it happen - especially, if that idea can benefit others to be inspired to make things happen both for themselves and others.

3 Things I am Grateful For:

2011-11-17T11:56:00.000-08:00

1. My Sayang.
2. My close friends - in NYC, Philly, Singapore, and now here in Davis, CA
3. My personal sense of style

Sucker Punch

2011-09-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can't know what form they'll take One day, Old man, Next day, Little girl. But don't let appearances fool you, They can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they're not here to fight our battles. But to whisper from our hearts. Reminding that it's us. Its everyone of us who holds power over the world we create.

You can deny angels exist, Convince ourselves they can't be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They'll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight.

Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!

In this world, there will be a time that we will come face to face with evil (evil defined loosely - with a face unique to each of us) faced. Sweet Pea, who appears frail and powerless, faces her evils not simply for herself... but for those around her that she seeks to protect - to provide - an end to their exploitation (freedom). I am left asking - am I courageous enough to stand up for the things in this life that are worth defending? Am I willing to stand up-in the face of evil-for the things that are good? Courage - will - determination... to face the truth. When you are willing to shed your complacency you will be more courageous than any hollywood action hero.

All I require from you is a slither of a moment. To have you not by force, but simply as a man and a women. To see in your eye, that simple truth, that you give yourself to me freely. Not because you have to, but because you want to. Now of course, for such a gem, I will give as well. I'm willing to give you freedom. Pure and total freedom. Freedom from the drudgery of everyday life. Freedom as abstract ideal. Freedom from pain. Freedom from responsibility. Freedom from guilt. From regret. Freedom from sadness. Freedom from loss. The freedom to be happy. Don't close your eyes; I need you to look at me. The freedom to love.

http://www.filmonair.com/video/sucker-punch-intro-sweet-dreams

Needs

2011-08-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

Sitting on my desk at work is a file organizer. Attach to that file organizer is a sticker. A pleasant purple and white sticker that reads "Family Needs." It lists all the support available in the community to assist an individual (a family) with meeting his/her need(s). They include:-
Food
Clothing
Childcare/Parenting Classes
Health/Dental Care
Housing
Job Training/Employment
"Learn to Read"
Family Violence / Child Abuse
Alcohol, Drug & Mental Health Services
Teen Help
Suicide
Transportation
Emergency

Risk-Taking

2011-04-28T08:07:00.000-07:00

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool;
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental;
To reach out for another is to risk involvement;
To expose feelings is to risk exposing true self;
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss;
To love is to risk not being loved in return;
To live is to risk dying;
To hope is to risk despair;
To try is to risk failure;
But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing;
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing;
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love and live;
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave and has forfeited freedom'
Only a person who risks is free.

I am beginning to appreciate what this year means for me - it is about truly recognizing and appreciating what it means to take risks.

I have fallen in love - and found myself willing to be vulnerable in a way I have never before - it is making me come face-to-face with some cogent aspects of myself.

Risk-taking involves many parts...

1. Action itself:-

Opening yourself to change. It is the accepting of the need for change and it is taking the behavioral steps that will result in that change.

Honest appraisal of a situation in life requiring your action.

Understanding the risks involved in taking such action.

Weighing the pros and cons of taking the action.

Making a choice to take the required action.

Performing the action with full consciousness of the risks, pros and cons and potential outcome.

Accepting the consequences of such action.

2. Reactions around the action:-

The ability to ignore your need for other's approval in order to take the most appropriate action for you.

The behavioral process involving the gamble that you may experience rejection from others for the actions you have chosen to take.

Pursuing the required actions despite the fear that it will affect others negatively, resulting in their efforts to make you feel guilty about taking such action.

3. Problem-solving & Conflict resolution:-

Now-oriented action.

Direct confrontation of a problem. It is the absence of procrastination and denial in dealing with a problem.

Responsible action taken to pursue the resolution of a problem.

The effort to be honest with yourself about your part in interpersonal problems, admitting that you have certain personal barriers that prevent the resolution of the problem.

Admitting to the other(s) involved what the barriers are and seeking assistance to address those barriers and resolve the problems.

Committing to become objective in pursuing a rational approach to a problem.

The willingness to identify irrational blocking beliefs, which hinder resolutions.

Opening yourself to be identified as being too subjective, too emotional, too obstructing and too hindering in the resolution of your problem.

The willingness to accept honest, objective feedback about the need for you to change your own behavior.

The effort to be less subjective, less defensive and more open in your search for truth, honesty and sanity in resolving your problem.

The willingness to take a healing, forgiving and forgetting attitude in pursuing the resolution of a conflict.

Opening yourself to be vulnerable, to being taken advantage of by the other in the conflict situation.

Demonstrating your trust in the other person's willingness to accept an honest, open and upfront approach to resolving the conflict.

4. Personal commitment:-

Deciding to make a personal sacrifice of time, energy, ability and knowledge as an investment to better your circumstances.

Hoping your circumstances will improve as a result of your personal sacrifice, but making it anyway.

What I have learn is that risk-taking is considered risk-taking because one does it despite oneself.

These past few weeks, I have seen myself act/behave/think in patterns that I thought were old and long-gone. I am slowly reclaiming myself, and now, find myself more actively challenging these patterns. What are these patterns?

Fear makes me lose my objectivity - it makes me interpret actions and words within a lense of fear. It is a fear I have to conquer from within - to conquer by recognizing that I am who I am, which is a worthwhile person. When vulnerable, I still have to remain clear and secure on this foundation - that vulnerability is about being open to truths and being open about truths.

(to be continued...)

Other People...

2011-04-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

Again, sometimes notes fall on your lap (or pop up in your e-mail inbox) just when you need them...

Other people may have their own agenda for our life; we can value their input but we don’t have to take it to heart.

As children, our parents had dreams for us. They wanted us to do well in school, and to do whatever was necessary to reach our highest potential. Later in life, friends may try to set us up with their idea of the perfect partner or the perfect job. People close to us may have ideas about how we should live our lives, ideas that usually come from love and the desire for us to be happy. Other times, they come from a place of need within them—the parent who wants us to live out his or her dreams.

Whatever the case, we can appreciate and consider those people’s input, but ultimately we must follow our own inner guidance.

There may come a time when all the suggestions can become overbearing. We may feel that the people we love don’t approve of our judgment, which can hurt our feelings. It can interfere with the choices we make for our lives by making us doubt ourselves, or filling a void with their wishes before we’ve had a chance to decide what we want. It can affect us energetically as well. We may have to deal with feelings of resistance or the need to shut ourselves off from them.

But we can take some time to rid ourselves of any unnecessary doubts and go within to become clear on what we desire for ourselves.

We can tell our loved ones how much we appreciate their thoughts and ideas, but that we need to live our own lives and make our own decisions. We can explain that they need to let us learn from our own experiences rather than rob us of wonderful life lessons and the opportunity to fine-tune our own judgment. When they see that we are happy with our lives and the path we are taking to reach our goals, they can rest assured that all we need them to do is to share in our joy.

This article already echoes what I have known for very long. What it does not elaborate is that the tasks of standing up for oneself against very overbearing parents is not easy. I have to look deep within myself to recognize the strength I already possess, and the knowledge that I know what is best for me - that I will make mistakes. But for every fall, I am capable and have risen again to take the challenge. It is this knowledge that provides the scaffolding for me to hold myself up and face my parents. I have long known they only mean well - but their love blinds them to the daughter that stands in front of them. Today, I have truly started to mourn the loss of the parents I hope to have (thank you Jennifer). And by accepting my parents for who they are in front of me, I am starting to stand up for myself.

The Real Thing (Written April 19, 2010)

2011-04-18T06:30:00.001-07:00

The Real Thing
I must thank my friend CP for introducing me to this website. Today's post was especially relevant to me and what I have been evaluating over the last year. I feel reassured that my thoughts are echoed in this article, and that I am on a path that is meaningful.

The Real Thing
Love Should Feel Good

Love should feel good. Relationships that leave you feeling depleted, sad and making excuses are not based in love.Often in our lives, we fall prey to the idea of a thing rather than actually experiencing the thing itself. We see this at play in our love lives and in the love lives of our friends, our family, and even fictional characters. The conceptualizing, depiction, and pursuit of true love are multimillion-dollar industries in the modern world. However, very little of what is offered actually leads us to an authentic experience of love. Moreover, as we grasp for what we think we want and fail to find it, we may suffer and bring suffering to others. When this is the case, when we suffer more than we feel healed, we can be fairly certain that what we have found is not love but something else. When we feel anxious, excited, nervous, and thrilled, we are probably experiencing romance, not love. Romance can be a lot of fun as long as we do not try to make too much of it. If we try to make more of it than it is, the romance then becomes painful. Romance may lead to love, but it may also fade without blossoming into anything more than a flirtation. If we cling to it and try to make it more, we might find ourselves pining for a fantasy, or worse, stuck in a relationship that was never meant to last. Real love is identifiable by the way it makes us feel. Love should feel good. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to our core, touching a part of ourselves that has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling us with warmth and light. An authentic experience of love does not ask us to look a certain way, drive a certain car, or have a certain job. It takes us as we are, no changes required. When people truly love us, their love for us awakens our love for ourselves. They remind us that what we seek outside of ourselves is a mirror image of the lover within. In this way, true love never makes us feel needy or lacking or anxious. Instead, true love empowers us with its implicit message that we are, always have been, and always will be, made of love.

Overwhelmed

2011-04-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

Slowly

Curling

Inside

Of

Myself

To

Find

My

Place

Of

Calm

Tap

That

Source

Of

Energy

Renewing

My

Sense

Of

Direction

Parents - Asian

2011-04-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

Amy Chua is a Wimp

Speaking my Mind

2011-04-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

Today marks an important day.

Today, I finally understand what it means to be "beyond my parents."

Today, I accepted and asserted that I am an adult.

True, I have been making such gestures the last few months. Today, however, I felt empowered.

There was very little thought involved. I just went with my instinct. The words that flowed from me were already known to me - they didn't need to be crafted, or reviewed, or (given this site's name) contemplated prior to the actual conversation. I trusted that I was articulating my thoughts, feelings & sentiments for no reason other than it being the truth - the truth that needed to be said. It was no longer about being heard, or finding a voice, or even for there to be changes. I did it simply because I wanted to do it.

Insight into a Whirlwind

2011-04-10T13:38:00.000-07:00

Patience is what is required of me, for me, to me. [Why?]

I can get lost in a whirlwind of the mind & heart. [Why?]

For so long, my voice has gone unheard that even I, sometimes, don't recognize it. Many voices have long come to fill that void. Sometimes, those voices resonate with mine, and sometimes, they are dissonant to mine. Yet, until recently, those voices felt louder than my own.

Recently, however, I have learned to be quiet and stay silently still - enough so that I can hear my own voice. It's a quirky voice - my own - with its own brand of dry humor.

Yet, every so often, it submerges - lost again amongst the many voices. But, my voice it grows strong - every day, a little louder & a little surer. Now, it seeks to be heard. It is just finding the words - so easy to pen (or type), not so easy to give sound. For those words give this voice shape - it makes it present. [Why?]

It is my voice. It is me. And with patience, I will come to be.

DISS-ER-TA-TION

2011-04-04T15:27:00.000-07:00

How To Write a Ph.D. Dissertation (for some laughs - only because its tragically comic)

A conversation with a good friend, ES, revealed that those of us who embark on a dissertation and find ourselves soon disinterested in an academic career are all in the same boat - feeling the pressure of completing a task that we know we are capable of accomplishing, yet unmotivated to its outcome. The only outcome being our eventual liberty!

On a daily basis, she pursues the task at hand hoping to make a little more progress from where she ended the day before. And every day, she ends realizing that is still work to be done. Eventually, we both take respite in the knowledge that the day will come when we will look at our task at end and deem it complete. The only hurdle after that would be the oral defense.

I am exhausted looking at the written material - the literature that discusses it, the drafts I have written, the feedback and comment from advisers and peers. The topic did not really interest me, and it holds my interest even less today. The ability to sit in front of the computer and find the words to elucidate my thoughts on the matter do not come easy - why? - there are no thoughts being formed in my mind for words to carry onto the page. Yet, I continue to persevere. The end is near I tell myself as ES repeats to herself that her life will begin after this arduous demand she and I have both placed upon ourselves.

Yet, life is happening all around us as we hunch over our computers, rifle through endless stacks of papers, and thumb through pages of books. We find ourselves becoming depressed, cursing ourselves under our breath, and taking our irritation out on the closest person(s) to us. All of these actions we find regrettable when our momentary lapse in judgment returns to us.

Then a moment's glimmer. A hot shower, an ice-cream, a fond conversation ... returns us to the life around us. And for a moment, we forget. We forget the bane of our existence that bears its weight upon our shoulders, and for a moment, we breathe. Yet, it is only a moment's respite. Over time, I have learned to balance the two - the knowledge that I will soon be done with my requirement and fulfill my obligation to the academic community. Yet, there is a life to be led - and I will not stop living it for all that its worth. A dissertation is not life in and of itself.

California Dreamin'

2011-04-03T11:39:00.001-07:00

Here's the update folks (all those who are reading this blog....)

I've been accepted to an internship program at the University of California - Yes, I am going to California.

It's funny how all these things come to be...

(1) For 2 years now, I have been repeatedly told that I would feel more comfortable given my personality out in the West Coast - preferably anywhere between the borders of Washington state with Canada to Northern California (where I will be)

(2) Recently, as my loved ones and friends know, I have been considering a change in my career direction - I was considering the idea of creating programs that would be beneficial to the well-being of others, rather than simply practice counseling alone. A requirement of this internship program, as their designated behavioral health intern, is that I liaise with university and hospital staff to create "health and wellness" programs for the faculty, staff and students of the University.

(3) In answer to my meditation teacher's surprise when I informed him that I did not consider my mindfulness practice as a component in my search of appropriate internship programs (since he recognizes the benefit my practice has on me, and as he tells me, my ability to share my gains with others), this internship program has, as part of its curricular, that I engage in a mindfulness practice and share it in counseling faculty, staff and students at the University. Thus, my meditation teacher is delighted. In his words, "it's funny how the universe has a way of working things out"

(4) And the burden of making a decision about internship, etc., has been lifted. The truth of the matter is - it is 1 year. And, once this 1 year is accomplished (August 1 2011 - July 30 2012), the next chapter of my life will begin.

Yet, the most important thing I have learned this past month.... is the experience of LOVE truly.

Where I always understood the saying ,"friend in need is a friend indeed," I now can appreciate the saying "in order to feel love, we must allow ourselves to feel pain, and still know what it means to feel safe."

It has been an emotional roller-coaster of a month, but today, I smile. I hung on. I am here. I am happy.

The Runaways - How Can I Resist?!

Jealousy...

2011-03-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

"Jealousy is one of the toughest feelings we come up against in our live, yet jealousy is a common human feeling.

Jealousy has something good to offer us - information about our own heart’s desire.

When we find that we are jealous of certain people, and we are aware of this jealousy - by acknowledging it, we may discover what we want for ourselves. This discovery is the first step to achieving our desire. Whatever it is, it is possible that we could create it for ourselves, in our own lives, if we are able to honor our own desires.

Other times, it may have to be a lesson about acceptance and the understanding that our path is different from the paths of those around us. While, it may be hard to see now - it will eventually be clear why our life has taken its particular path.

In the end, the best cure for jealousy is the recognition that the life we have is full of its own meaning and beauty, utterly unique to us—a gift that could never be found in the life of another."

Lately, I have been jealous. I am jealous of my friends who can be in the company and presence of their loved ones. Don't get me wrong - I am very fortunate to be able to say that I am loved. However, I have lived alone for a long time. True, I have friends - again, for whom I am very grateful. Yet, there is something to be said about the presence of unconditional support I can come home to on a regular basis. I trust (and know) that such support already exists in a form that cannot be touched, but I am beginning to realize that I seek more to be able to hold it in my arms. Awareness of my jealousy has only revealed to me my desire to be closed to the ones I love - selfishly, so I know the comfort of being in their presence. So now I work tirelessly towards my goal - to be with the ones I love.

Reminder

2011-03-21T09:26:00.001-07:00

To Myself:-

Decision.

2011-03-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

I'm putting my decision here.

We all wonder what we will be (or rather what work we will do) when we are all grown up. We look to our elders, our teachers, our peers for inspiration. We look to "heroes" to aspire us. We scrutinize our education, and cultivate our interests. We take stock of our passions, our talents, and the nature of our personalities. We hope we find something we will like doing - that speaks to us, that speaks about us. We hope we will be something that makes us proud of ourselves.

Growing up, I did not know what I wanted to be. My father is a medical doctor, my mother is a housewife. Many members of my family are in business, finance or engineering. Some are teachers. Teachers that aspire me taught me English, literature and biology. My peers - well, they were too busy trying to figure it out for themselves. I had no "heroes," nor "heroines". My education was in the sciences and mathematics. My interests, however, was in literature and history. My passions were varied, my talents never tested to its limits, and my personality - well that's a chameleon on its own terms.

Yet, what I liked doing was listen - through peoples' tales of joy and woe, I would come to learn about the world beyond myself. And, what I found gratifying was the ability to be in the service of others.

Over the years, I have met many people and had the opportunity to listen to them. Their stories only intrigued me more to learn about the human condition. The knowledge that I could be of service to them, through listening and providing empathy, made me happy - perhaps, there is a vocation for me.

Despite the lack of support from loved ones, and the pooh-poohing I experienced when I shared my aspiration, the dream was to become a clinical psychologist. However, what that realistically meant as a profession was lost on me.

It has been 5 years that I have been practicing my trade as a student of clinical psychology. I have worked at 5 different clinics, seen approximately 50 clients from all walks of life, clocked in close to 1000 hours of listening, counseling and even more writing notes.

Through those 5 years, something about myself (actually much about myself) has arisen to my awareness - my emotional resources are limited [As you may already know from previous entries, I have come to accept that I am an emotionally sensitive person]. Clinical work has taken its toll on me. While I succeed day-in and day-out at being emotionally present for people in clinic, their stories do affect me and render me emotionally exhausted. To strike a balance, I practice a lot of self-compassionate care - just allowing myself to be with the emotions and let them pass, and accept the situations/people as they present themselves.

Yet, after 5 years, I have also been given the opportunity to explore using my skills in different arenas. I have learned that there are other outlets for me to be in service of other people and offer of myself. Outlets that may not emotionally exhaust me to the degree counseling has these past 5 years. These include running a charity outfit, heading a student organization directed towards health and wellness, and writing funding paperwork for various non-profit initiatives. There have also been writing opportunities that have come my way that have re-instilled my love for discussing topics of interest.

In addition, I've decided my emotional resources are best reserved for those I care and love deeply. For, if there is one thing I have learned in my 5 years, the most important thing in life is having people you love and who love you. Everything after that is secondary.

So, I am putting my decision(s) here.

1. If I match the second round, I will fulfill my academic obligation towards getting certified.
2. If I do not match the second round, I will determine the next course of life ... (there is word that I might simply take the year off, and re-apply... that is a bridge I will cross when I get there).

Regardless, I know I have people I love and who love me.

Layers of Vulnerability

2011-03-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

I took a moment to re-read a few of my previous entries.

Much of what I write are aspirations. Aspirations that I am working towards, and by no means, have perfected (or will ever perfect in my humble opinion).

Much of what I write I know with practice and time I can achieve, especially in situations where there present little trial or tribulation... Yet, what life is there if not one where we are tested. During these tests, I am pushed just a little bit more - to reflect on that which I aspire.

I aspire to acknowledge that I am human. And human with all my sensitivities... For I am a sensitive human. The double-edged sword of my existence that I am embracing as simply "me."

One thing that I have discovered is that being vulnerable / real is not difficult. However, I am beginning to appreciate that there are many layers to my vulnerability. While most people see the facet of me that is honest and true, they are often protected from the reverberations of emotions that may pass through (albeit temporarily) as an undercurrent. They see someone that has a handle on it. The truth is - below all the layers, there is a core that is stable, calm and (never did I think I could say this) whole. Yet, I am a sum of all these layers. And sometimes, I don't have a handle, and you know - it is okay. It doesn't have to be any less or more than it is, and when the emotions have reverberated through... I am still a sum of all these layers.

My father, who cares deeply for me, grows deeply concerned when he see me suffer. He finds it hard to talk about what causes me the pain he sees me feel. Often, he worries that I need to "just get over it." And, he is right - there is no benefit to making something more than it is. However, for me, simply being in that moment can appear quite distressing. Why appear? The truth is, I know when I am distressed that I am distressed. I know now that I simply need to be with my sadness, and my pain. I need to comfort it, and acknowledge it. When it is painful, I simply seek comfort. To know I can bear that pain on my sleeve, and it's alright, because that is where I am at the moment. Even I know that moment will pass. Perhaps, not today or tomorrow, but soon...
However, my distress ... distresses my father. And day after day, he will call out of fear that I remain distressed, which is not something he would like for me. I am sorry my pain hurts him so - I wish he knew - all I seek from him is comfort that ... "this too will pass but it's okay to feel."

It's okay to be the human that you are.

In the Midst...

2011-03-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

of a sad song, are words that ring so true...

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
Oh, I need this

K.

Marriage...

2011-03-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

Something I stumbled across...

"Marry someone you can see yourself with for a long time. [..] Don't ever expect marriage to by 50/50. The ratio fluctuates from day to day, sometimes in your favor and sometimes not. Don't keep track. Don't share your private business with family, friends, or your church community. It is disrespectful to your spouse and your marriage. I have been married a LONG time (20+ years) and we do argue. But we are best friends and love each other more today than the day we got married. Strive to be a good role model for your children, if you have them. It will keep you honest."

Open, Honest & True

2011-03-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

Difficult moments in life present themselves with the opportunity to step back and appreciate the things that make life all worthwhile:-

love from those near and dear
friendships that step up and stand behind you
words of wisdom and insight from the ones your respect and hold in esteem
a sense of self that is unshaken at its very foundation

These past few days were difficult for me. I had to confront a few truths - some not very pleasant ones.

The first truth is that I am by nature a person who needs to love and be loved. I need to surround myself with those people I hold dear. I realize I gain strength from being able to be present for the ones I love, and am slowly learning to let them be there to love me. I miss my family and my loved ones. My recent trip home made me realize how loved I am.

The second truth is that being true to myself and not compromising does not guarantee that I will be appreciated for who I am (or rather receive the fruits reflecting such appreciation). I did not match to an internship program. Truth be told - I was not upset. I took this to imply only one thing - neither of those sites would be the appropriate internship site for me. Furthermore, I had concluded that not matching at either of these programs would mean that I would return home and be in the company of my loved ones. Life and its career path for me simply required adjustment of expectations - when taken in perspective of what is truly important in life is not a difficult task at all.

The third truth is that there always many paths in life, and one has to be very clear when making decisions regarding the path she chooses to take. For it is a choice. I was left to decide whether to accept that I will return simply on that truth, or take another gamble by applying to internship sites that announced vacant positions. Still, it was not certain that I would obtain a position at one of these sites. Discussions with loved ones, who only had my best interests on their minds, convinced me that all gambles are worthwhile if only to avoid the difficulties that would be certain for not taking them. Specifically, the gamble of doing the internship to receive APA certification. APA certification implies that I am a graduate of the clinical program and immediately establishes worldwide recognition for the clinical training I have received the previous 5 years.

The fourth truth, and perhaps the hardest truth, is the only way to be certain is to accept uncertainty. So often, I have lived in fear. Uncertain of situation as they present themselves, I fear my actions would make bad a good situation, and make worse a bad situation. I am only beginning to appreciate that there is no such thing as certainty - only the illusion of it. I am also beginning to realize that fear only removes me of my conviction. I am not certain of my future - I can only experience the present for what it is in that moment. I am reminding myself to live one day at a time, and not succumb to the fear that arises - simply to face it and move on.

To be open, honest and true - I know what it is today that I want for myself. It is a simple life that allows me to be with those I love, and do the work that brings meaning both myself and others. While the first clause is simple to meet, the second remain an open question for there are many vocations that exist that can fulfill such criteria. It includes teaching, social work, counseling, administrative work in a non-profit organization... etc.

futher commentary possible... stay tuned.

Communication Skills

2011-02-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

Website on Inter-Cultural Communication

1. Beware of making assumptions about people based on physical characteristics: race, ethnicity, age, ability, gender, etc. (That can’t be reiterated enough!)

Beware of making assumptions PERIOD. There is never a reason to assume - it can only lead us down a path that makes an "ass" of both "u" and "me" - no joke.

2. Do good research in advance, but do not take ‘country guides’ as being the final word. Individual preferences vary and will trump any group customs, but might be helpful to know that the clock you about to give as a gift to your Chinese host might imply death.

What entails good research? - it means ASK and LEARN. If you are unsure or unclear, put yourself in the position that demonstrates a willingness to understand; nobody that I know is ever put off by a humble request from a person who wants only to know better - such inquiries are more a demonstration of respect, and who doesn't like to feel they are being respected.

3. Welcome feedback as a gift. Thanking someone for his or her suggestions is a great way to solicit ‘insider’ knowledge. Once you say thanks for the insight, he or she may be willing to share more. When a business deal is at stake that could be just the ticket to your success.

Again, does it take much to humble oneself? - only if EGO and PRIDE get in the way - but as it has been eloquently said before, "it never hurts to learn more."

4. Embrace your own identity and use that as a platform to communicate with others. (I statements instead of you statements—as in “that’s so interesting, I do it this way, how do you do it?

Embrace your own identity. Embrace yourself. Respect and love yourself - there is something about you worth sharing - that opens the other person to see that they are being respected and loved for who they are, and that opens them to share of themselves.

I admit, personally, this sometimes is hard for me especially with issues closer to the heart. However, I know there is beauty that lies within that. I may not explicitly demonstrate knowledge of that truth, but I do know it.

5. Asks questions to understand what motivates others.

Learn what makes a person tick - again, it shows that you are interested in that person for who that person is, and who doesn't want to share when they been given the space to express themselves.

6. Be open to learning, and learn to teach without being judgmental or making the learner feel embarrassed. Remember Emerson (sic) Everyone is my master because I can learn something from everyone.

Be OPEN. Often time, this is a phenomenon much easier said then done. Yet, there is hope. All it requires is practice - facing the fear that finds itself accompanying one's effort to be open. Practice makes perfect - openness too can be a virtue of yours.

7. Be an Anthropologist. Ethnographers or Participant Observers are keen to watch the interactions of others closely when approaching new communities or situations. How are items being used? How do people greet one another? It’s a chance to really listen with your whole being. Think “don’t drink the water in the finger bowl.”

Sometimes, saying less is saying more. Taking the time to sit back, observe, listen and compile your understanding of people and situations provides us with a sense of how we are different as well as how we are alike (and, we are more alike than we like to believe... just don't get bogged down by the details).

8. Be sure to try new things, particularly foods when in another country. But, allow a little latitude when ordering food in restaurants, as in, you may understand the word for lasagna, but it may not be served as you expected…enjoy-seeing how similar concepts are enacted in different countries is part of the fun. (on the flip side, ff you have allergies or things that don’t allow latitude, like a peanut allergy, bring a dictionary to know key words.)

Be ADVENTUROUS.

9. Be patient with yourself and others. Anger, unease, defensiveness, etc. may come with the territory. Just remember, that moment of discomfort is usually when you are at the cusp of learning! Kind of like in weight lifting—the moment the weight is too much and the muscle fails, is the moment the muscle gets stronger.

Prepare yourself to face resistance within yourself - often fueled by fear - learn to recognize it when it arises, and learn how to tame it so that you do not lose the big picture for the small details. Fear, like any other emotion, is transient.

10. Be brave but safe, confident but humble…don’t be afraid to simply open the dictionary to the right page and just show it to the person with whom you are speaking; learn where the street signs are-sometimes they are on the corner, sometimes on the side of the building, sometimes on the sidewalk. If you go out alone, bring a piece of paper with the phone number and address where you are staying.

Straddle the extremes... balance comes when you find the middle-ground - and that balance will provide you the ability to simply be yourself while reaching yourself out to become something quite other and still you.

In my opinion,

Communication require a few key components - Courage, Patience, Curiosity, Sincerity.

To be courageous is to put yourself out into situations you may not necessarily find comfortable, to face the fears that arise and pursue those situations regardless.

To be patience is to appreciate the difficulties that may arise for you and/or the other person, and understand that time is a true guide. Whenever we attempt to rush, we end up getting no where.

To be curious is to seek to learn, to ask, to push our horizons simply because we can. A childlike wonder only makes it more fun.

To be sincere (or genuine or authentic) is to be open and honest with both ourselves and the other person, and to respect the other person without cause for judgment or persecution.

I continue to ponder... and changes may or may not be made - but comments as always are welcomed :o)

Name - Revealed.

2011-02-03T11:16:00.000-08:00

My name is Kinjal.

Growing up, I hated my name. Kids teased me by calling me "brinjal" (the Asian equivalent of eggplant) or "ginjal" (the Malay word for kidney). Adults mispronounced it, making a soft sounding name harsh and jarring. Even the story behind my name - how my parents chose it - was unconvincing to me. When my mother was pregnant with me, my father became enamored by the vitality of his friend's one-year old daughter. Her name was Kinjal, and he made a vow that if I were born as healthy as that little girl, it would also be my name. Coincidentally, astrologers who consulted the stars upon my birth according to Indian custom suggested my name start with a letter 'K', thereby leaving no doubt in my parents' mind that my name should be Kinjal.

At age twelve, I met a man learned in Sanskrit, which is the ancient language my name originated from. Looking at me with very kind eyes, he smiled and told me that my name means “that which bears the lotus." Following a pause to see if I was still paying attention, he continued, "that which bears the lotus, meaning the plant that takes root in mud to grow a stem through murky water so that it may bring forth the lotus blossom for the world to appreciate."

With my eyes closed, I tried to picture a lotus plant in a pond, while the man continued to unveil the significance of my name in a poetic verse. "Your name symbolizes the aspiration of mankind,” he explained. “It symbolizes the taking root and being borne in darkness (mud) only to reach towards the light with longing and practice (stem) so as to blossom (flower) with wisdom and compassion,” Seeing my confusion as my eyes opened, he laughed and asked me to keep those words in my mind and heart, and that one day it would make sense.

Over the years, I have encountered many forms of adversity. When I was young, I underwent several surgeries to correct a congenital defect that required me to use crutches for six months and caused me excruciating pain. I also grappled with grief when I lost one friend to cancer and another to suicide. I was often reprimanded for coming up with novel solutions or approaches to scientific problems instead of blindly following my teachers' preferred method of rote memorization. I also had to overcome my parents' desire for me to join the medical profession and instead pursue my interest in psychology and psychotherapy.

Regardless, I remain undaunted in the face of adversity. I use my name as a motto to always persevere for what is true to me. As I grow older, I try to approach life with more patience and compassion both towards myself and the people around me. There is never a better reminder of my core principles than when I introduce myself to others and say, "My name is Kinjal."

Yoda

2011-01-03T12:21:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year - 2011

2011-01-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

This year, I decided to welcome the new year by attending an overnight meditation retreat at The Farmhouse - a beautiful refurbished mill house situated on 7 acres of property that functions as a safe space for people to rest, recover, and rejuvenate. The owner is Barbara Montgomery, an exceptional jazz vocalist, who decided to give her time to non-profit work for the benefit of youths.

The first evening of meditation was a solemn affair - the focus being the identification of negative acts & thoughts to allow for the subsequent removal of negative karma. The warmth of the room and the sombreness of the practice made it difficult to stay focused but there was a lot for me to visit over the past year. Honestly, as my mind took note of all the harm I may have done, my heart took a moment to register all the benefit / good I have had the pleasure to be a part of this past year. Where before I would be stricken with guilt, blaming myself for much wrong-doing and self-doubt, the past year ended with me acknowledging how human I am and that I can only grow from these experiences.

Indeed, I felt a lot of gratitude and joy for I realize how lucky I am. I have a father who takes the time to talk to me like an adult and make the effort to understand my point of view eventhough there are moments we do not see eye-to-eye. I have a mother who only wants the best for me - to not have me live this life alone. I have a brother who knows he can seek me out when he needs the support of a sister. This year has brought me new friends and deepen existing friendships. Finally, my heart, as it opens, has allowed me to recognize before me an individual I am coming to care for and love deeply - someone who provides me the greatest gift any girl can ask for - the effort to understand and accept me as I am ("tall order" so he says).

Once my stomach filled with delicious food, and everybody settled into their rooms, a summer camp atmosphere took over the farmhouse with people chatting, singing, and playing the various musical instruments in the hall. The clock struck 12:00 quietly, and everyone greeted each other with hugs, kisses, and well-wishes for the new year. Sleep came quickly after (once I put the phone down on a much treasured conversation).

The second day of meditation was a more light-hearted affair - after a 2 hour sitting, we shuffled around each other eating lunch with various people taking turn to play music and entertain. After lunch, we sat and were asked to make a wish for the new year. I knew immediately my wish (and will not write it here...) - it was a simple one. The day ended with a pleasant chat with my teacher over a cup of tea.

I start this year with a true revelation - I am happy.

May this year be a joyous one for you as well.

K.

Life Lessons

2010-12-16T08:37:00.000-08:00

1. Know thyself
2. Be honest, or as Shakespeare put it, to thine own self be true
3. Have the courage to face things about yourself you do not like

2010-12-07T06:16:00.000-08:00

Compassion

2010-11-30T06:35:00.000-08:00

"Compassion accepts others as they are. One who thoroughly realizes compassion no longer sees any separation between self and others. Compassion is the wholesome and spontaneous response to all situations."
- Tarthang Tulku

(1) Accepting others as they are.

Even if...
Their thoughts, emotions, or actions "affect" you.
It does not matter to me if you share a difference in your ideas/beliefs/convictions about how to think, emote or act from me - that is much easier than when your difference personally affects me - yet, it is those moments when such differences take on a personal tone that I have to remind myself to accept you as you are... while acknowledging the reasons for their affect on me

(2) No longer see separation between self and others.

Even if...
Their presence causes you to "recoil"
It is easy when your presence appears symbiotic to mine - it is not as easy when it appears that we wish to push away from each other - yet, it is those moments that I have to remind myself that you are like me at heart, and that we are one and same - your actions speak to my actions, and vice versa (your emotions result from my emotions and bring about my emotions that cause your emotions... this idea explained in many different ways - speaks to the inter-dependant nature of things). Compassion allows to see this connection between you and I.

(3) A wholesome and spontaneous response

Even if...
Other emotions are present that call for another response.
Compassion for both myself and you - is easy when other emotions are not present asking to be expressed in responses that appear non-compassionate. Compassion is strong.

These words are easily spoken. But hard to follow, hard to envision and therefore embody.

Anger - A Peace Treaty (Thich Nhat Hanh)

2010-11-29T09:26:00.001-08:00

When I am angry, I agree to:

1. Refrain from saying or doing anything that might cause further damage or escalate the anger.
2. Not suppress my anger.
3. Practice mindful breathing and go back to myself to take care of my anger.
4. Calmly, within twenty-four hours, tell you about my anger and suffering, either verbally or by delivering a Peace Note.
5. Ask for an appointment later in the week, like Friday evening, either verbally or by note, to discuss this matter more thoroughly.
6. Not say: 'I am not angry, it's okay, I am not suffering. There is nothing to be angry about.'
7. Look deeply into my daily life, while sitting, walking, lying down, working, etc. in order to see:
The ways that I myself, have been unskillful at times.
How I have hurt you because of my own habit energy.
How the strong seed of anger in me is the primary cause of my anger.
How you are only the secondary cause.
How you are only seeking relief from your suffering.
That as long as you are unhappy, I cannot be truly happy.
8. Apologize immediately, without waiting for the Friday appointment, as soon as I recognize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness.
9. Postpone the Friday meeting if I do not feel calm enough to meet with you.

When you are angry, I agree to:

1. Respect your feelings, and not ridicule you and allow enough time for you to calm down.
2. Not press for an immediate discussion.
3. Confirm your request for a meeting, either verbally or by note, and assure you that I will be there.
4. If I can apologize, do so right away and not wait until Friday evening.
5. Practice mindful breathing and deep looking to see how:
I have seeds of anger and unkindness as well as the habit energy, which make you unhappy.
I have mistakenly thought that making you suffer would relieve my own suffering.
By making you suffer, I make myself suffer.
6. Apologize as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness, without making any attempt to justify myself and without waiting for the Friday meeting.

Thank you Safron - You are a phoenix.

K.

Mindfulness Meditation - Facing the Truth

2010-11-29T07:35:00.000-08:00

Mindfulness meditation. It is advertised as one path to bliss.

On the outset, it is described as training the mind's attentive ability for the experience of that moment(e.g., conversation, environment, etc.). Those who take a mindfulness-based stress management course (usually lasts 6-8 weeks) hope to learn skills to more effectively manage their anxiety and reduce their frustrations with stressors. During those weeks, participants practice attending to the moment. With continue practice, they learn to attend to their actions that enables an awareness of the emotions and thoughts that guide these actions. They learn how these emotions and thoughts can be transitory, and subsequently realize they they have the ability to choose to consciously (not) act from them as oppose to being on "auto-pilot." Most people who stay through the program, and fulfill their commitments towards a daily practice of mindfulness meditation, often leave with a renewed sense for life.

However, mindfulness meditation is not simply a cure-all. It is a mechanism for confrontation. With continued practice, we begin to attend to deeper levels of our being - older emotions and more primordial thoughts - all buried from a time we may have long forgotten (or are choosing to not remember). Soon, we enter a cycle - a cycle of confrontation.

My first battle was to dispel the belief that I cannot tolerate my emotions, which felt (and still does) very intense and visceral. I realize my fear was not only that I could not tolerate my emotions, but that I will "fall apart," and that will alienate me from others. My fear of being alone did not allow me to accept my experience of my emotions as they were known to me - so I had become disconnected to myself and felt so very lost. Mindfulness meditation made me confront this fear(s) - it required that I tolerate the emotions, and come to observe its need to flow through me for it to reveal its transient nature. I walked out that battle knowing that my emotions are me, and that while I am discomforted by the intensity, I cannot deny them.

My second battle was to dispel the notion that I am "bad." An incident with a friend triggered me to "shut down" - an instinctive and protective mechanism by which I withdraw into myself and tend to my emotional and mental wounds. My friend did not know what to make of my response, and had to wait the few hours for me to eventually reveal what had happened. However, the practice of mindfulness meditation made me realize that I had to attend to this idea - to see it for what it is, and not what I have made it out to be. Viscerally, I could feel the fear and pain coursing through me. I knew I had to attend to it, and comfort myself through the process. I also learned that it is not for wanting people to help me, but that the only help they can truly offer is support - a presence. A presence with space. I walked out of that battle recognizing that no one has the ability to make me "bad" - only I hold that key. With time, I confronted the varied expectations I had placed on myself, and only asked that I take myself as I am - to work with that which is true about me and to simply trust myself.

My third battle was to acknowledge the pain of loneliness, and discard the armor (i.e. the guard of illusions) I had created to protect myself from that pain. I was angry with myself - angry that I had operated under this false notion that I was an "open" person only to realize that I was not for fear of being alone. Something deep within me provided comfort and asked that I accept solitude. My mind created an image of this armor. During meditation, I visualized taking it off leaving my skin raw and bare - acknowledging the pain of loss of something "known." It is difficult to explain what took its place, but for days after, I was gelatinous inside. I walked away from that battle coming to terms with my delicate nature, and embracing it as me.

Now, today as I write this, I am on my fourth battle. I have learned from the last three experiences - resistance is futile. It only makes it more painful. So when my heart sank in-wards, I knew I had to prepare to face my next truth. Many hours of sitting and attending to my sitting resulted in one revelation - I am angry. Years of anger and resentment are boiling up in me. But as quickly as the truth of my pain was revealed, the balm to alleviate it surfaced. Compassion and Forgiveness. Now, I sit facing the many sources of my anger - person, place, moment in time - and I practice offering compassion and forgiveness both to that source and myself. Anger is a part of me, but now I need to let go of it in a sincere and meaningful way.

As my teacher tells me, this will not end. It is a cycle - once you are on this path, either you see it all the way to its end or you accept you need to jump of it. I may say that I wish I did not practice, but that would be a lie. The gift at the end of each battle, I am closer to myself. I come to know myself in a more honest way, and accepting myself as I am truly gives me peace. So, I choose this journey with full knowledge that I will encounter this time and time again. However, I am beginning to appreciate that I will only grow stronger with each encounter.

Risks

2010-11-22T15:20:00.001-08:00

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach for another is to risk involvement
To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To believe is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live
Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom
Only a person who risks is free...

Reaching Out

2010-11-22T14:52:00.000-08:00

All you need to do is reach out.

Talk to me, and I will listen to what you have to say

Look to me, and I will see you for who you are

Reach out to me, and I will hold on to you

Because,

I am right here.

K.

Personas

2010-11-22T14:17:00.000-08:00

To reach a more authentic way of being (for ourselves),
we need to shed ourselves of our persona(s).

To allow ourselves to be seen for who we are,
we must need to see ourselves as we are.

This is not a call for attention, it not even a demonstration.
This is simply a request to be comfortable - in our own skin.

Innie or Outie

2010-11-17T11:58:00.001-08:00

So, I don't know what troubles me more...

That I know about this, or that I thought it was common enough info that everyone knew about it.

http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/dailyloaf/2009/08/05/innie-or-outie-a-vagina-debate-nsfw/

Prabhujee

2010-11-15T13:09:00.001-08:00

Oh Master,show some compassion on me,
Please come and dwell in my heart.
Because without you, it is painfully lonely,
Fill this empty pot with the nectar of love.

I do not know any Tantra, Mantra or ritualistic
worship
I know and believe only in you.
I have been searching for you all over all the world,
please come and hold my hand now.

2010-11-15T09:25:00.000-08:00

If a woman is not happy with herself, she will bring pain to everyone around her -- Ice T, "Good Hair"

Be happy with yourself - and people will not feel "pain" being around you.

I learned this lesson the hard way.

Now, I see how not being happy with myself can be "painful" for everyone around me.

Yes, now that I am beginning to accept myself and be happy for who I am - my thoughts, emotions, appearance, quirks...

I see. I see how differently people behave around me.

They don't have to watch what they say to me out of fear of my feelings.
They don't have to hold back their own emotions and concerns.
They don't have to be someone they are not.

By accepting myself, and being happy, I open them to the possibility of they accepting themselves as they are to me - thus, less painful for them.

Hold You In My Arms

2010-11-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

Truly, all we want to know is that we will be comforted.

Ray LaMontange ... again.

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
It was easy to see you'd been crying
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
But who really profits from the dying
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
My worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
That love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

So now we see how it is
This fist begets the spear
Weapons of war
Symptoms of madness
Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever

Free-falling

2010-11-12T07:53:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes Art takes Life Experience...

2010-11-11T12:08:00.001-08:00

for one to GET IT" (courtesy of CP)

A year ago, I was introduced to the post-rock genre. It blew my mind away. Post-rock bands play instrumental music that embody such depth of emotions, I believe, words can do no justice.

Mono - Follow the Map

Explosions in the Sky - It's only Natural to be Afraid

This Will Destroy You - Quiet

So...

To see an individual comment to this song ...

"I keep wishing this band had lyrics in their songs because then they would be the best band ever to me."

leaves me grateful... that someone else comments,

"Can you imagine ANY lyrics that would do this justice though?"

Oliver Sacks - In Person

2010-11-11T07:19:00.000-08:00

The Contemplative Psyche: Sacks on Self

Dr. Oliver Sacks!

Last evening, I had the privilege (thanks to MR) to attend an interview with Dr. Oliver Sacks at the Free Library of Philadelphia.

It was like a dream come true - hearing a man whose writing, thoughts and ideas I greatly admire. To learn of his struggles and his ability to weave his love for medicine and writing inspires me. It gives me hope that one day I will be able to integrate my love for the observation of people and my desire to annotate my observations in fluid prose.

Yet, I felt there was a more important message at last night's event. That message being we are all capable of finding something to identify ourselves that is not our limitation. And that something (whatever it is we find in ourselves) will enable us to adjust and adapt to our limitation, possibly overcoming it.

People are Not Cling-Wrap.

2010-11-10T08:33:00.000-08:00

People are Not Cling-Wrap. Cling-Wrap is transparent. People are Not transparent.

Yet, people struggle. Why?

People wish they could be transparent, and wish they could see others as transparent.

On one hand, they wish to be known - seen for who they are and ultimately accepted.

On the other hand, they wish to protect themselves from being known - and not be hurt.

Funny thing is... what people fear most, I think, is themselves.

To not be transparent to others is more a reason to not be transparent to oneself.

To see oneself.

Nobody is ever one thing.

Those who understand solitude experience loneliness.

Those who are hospitable know hostility.

Those who look to the spirit are acquainted with the illusion/delusion of the corporeal.

For when one has conquered the fear of how we see ourselves, what do we have left to hide from others.

... chew chew chew...

I am who I am

2010-11-09T06:22:00.000-08:00

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi

I always thought I was open to love.

I finally woke up and realize - I was never open to love. I was waiting to open to love.

I was waiting for the right moment, right place, right person who would open me to love.

I learned only I had the power to do that. Noone else. It has been the hardest lesson.

I found it hard only because I was so scared.

I was scared of the pain that comes with being open to love. It is very painful.

I am very sensitive to pain. Pain of rejection for who I am.

I am who I am. Accepting myself as I am is the first step to becoming open to love.

I am now opening my heart to love myself.

I feel the fear that comes with this process. I sense the pain attached with the fear.

I realize they are all created from within. Beneath all is calm.

I am who I am.

The Monk, The Disciple and The Scorpion

2010-08-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

“Be who you were born to be”

There once was an old wise monk who was walking with his disciple. The monk decided to stop for a drink of water at a small stream that was passing under an old bridge. As he knelt by the stream and was quenching his thirst a small scorpion appeared from underneath a rock and stung the monk on his foot. The monk calmly reached down and grabbed the scorpion by its tail, smiled and placed him back on the ground near his small rock. The disciple looked surprisingly at the monk but knowing his place he remained silent.

The next day during another walk, the monk again stopped by the stream and bent down to take a drink, when the scorpion again emerged from under his rock and again stung the monk on the foot. For a second time the monk gently picked up the scorpion and placed him back under his rock. The disciple was again amazed and started to say something but the monk had by this time turned away and continued walking.

On the third consecutive day, they were again out walking and the monk stopped for another drink and again the scorpion stung him on his foot. The monk lovingly smiled at the scorpion and placed him back under his rock. The disciple could not contain himself any longer and said to his master: Master I have been walking with you for three consecutive days and in those three days we have stopped at the same stream where you drank and three times this scorpion has come and stung you! Why do you keep placing him back under his rock so that he can continue to sting you? The master replied, “Disciple this is the only stream for miles and I am old an can not physically manage to walk further away from the road in order to drink. The scorpion’s nature is to sting, is it not? The disciple replied, “Yes master.” Well it is my nature to forgive. If I were to kill this scorpion then his nature of stinging would have caused me to lose my nature to love and forgive. Should I have given up my nature in order to change the scorpion’s nature or continue to keep being true to my nature of loving and forgiving?

While it was the scorpion's nature to sting, the monk was able to recognize that he did not have to be like the scorpion; rather, the monk chose (ACTIVELY) to continue to love and forgive the scorpion as that was the nature the monk chose (ACTIVELY) for himself.

The author that shared this story refers to this as self-empowerment.

Recognize your nature and choose to be that despite all the forces around you that may ask you to be different.

May Saton

2010-08-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

The Kingdom of Kali

Anguish is always there, lurking at night,
Wakes us like a scourge, the creeping sweat
As rage is remembered, self-inflicted blight.
What is it in us we have not mastered yet?

What Hell have we made of the subtle weaving
Of nerve with brain, that all centers tear?
We live in a dark complex of rage and grieving.
The machine grates, grates, whatever we are.

The kingdom of Kali is within us deep.
The built-in destroyer, the savage goddess,
Wakes in the dark and takes away our sleep.
She moves through the blood to poison gentleness.

She keeps us from being what we long to be;
Tenderness withers under her iron laws.
We may hold her like a lunatic, but it is she
Held down, who bloodies with her claws.

How then to set her free or come to terms
With the volcano itself, the fierce power
Erupting injuries, shrieking alarms?
Kali among her skulls must have her hour.

It is time for the invocation, to atone
For what we fear most and have not dared to face:
Kali, the destroyer, cannot be overthrown;
We must stay, open-eyed, in the terrible place.

Every creation is born out of the dark.
Every birth is bloody. Something gets torn.
Kali is there to do her sovereign work
Or else the living child will be stillborn.

She cannot be cast out (she is here for good)
Nor battled to the end. Who wins that war?
She cannot be forgotten, jailed, or killed.
Heaven must still be balanced against her.

Out of destruction she comes to wrest
The juice from the cactus its harsh spine,
And until she, the destroyer, has been blest,
There will be no child, no flower, and no wine.

It is time for the invocation:

Kali, be with us.
Violence, destruction, receive our homage.
Help us to bring darkness into the light,
To lift out the pain, the anger,
Where it can be seen for what it is—
The balance-wheel for our vulnerable, aching love.
Put the wild hunger where it belongs,
Within the act of creation,
Crude power that forges a balance
Between hate and love.

Help us to be the always hopeful
Gardeners of the spirit
Who know that without darkness
Nothing comes to birth
As without light
Nothing flowers.

Bear the roots in mind,
You, the dark one, Kali,
Awesome power.

Quotes

2010-06-24T09:00:00.001-07:00

I'm a fan of good quotes...

My friend UM recommended this site to me: Quote Book

K.

Stuff No One Told Me

2010-06-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

and that is ok.

My friend, HS, recently introduced me to this artist's blog: Stuff No One Told Me

and, I LOVE IT.

Enjoy!

Cutting Oneself off from Other People

2010-06-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

I am learning that it is a practice to keep oneself open and vulnerable.

These are a few lessons that I am learning; some lessons are revelations about myself that I wish to alter, and others are lessons about myself that I am coming to accept.

I learn that I operate in life with a guard. While I say that I am trusting of people, and I accept that people are good, I do fear getting hurt.

I am learning, however, that I am capable of withstanding such "hurt". For this "hurt" manifests within myself - it is created from the stories I create to explain and understand it. I am beginning to appreciate that by "turning (the emotion) on its head," I gain a new perpesctive - one where I welcome and yet am indifferent to the hurt and not to be either attached or aversed to the feeling. Hurt (as with any (un)comfortable feeling) is an opportunity to learn about myself. I am coming to accept that I feel, and my feelings are a voice to me.

Thus, I wish to let down this guard. To open myself to being "hurt," and all the other feelings that are just that less colorful because of my guard in place.

Cutting Yourself off from Other People

What to Do About It:

1. Identify the cause of your disconnection. This is obviously more complex that a few sentences can summarize, but it’s a crucial first step. If you’re aware your loner mentality leaves you feeling like an outsider watching life happen to other people, the first step is to figure out why you’ve created this situation. What are you afraid of? What are you hiding from? Or what is it you’re hiding from other people? What makes you say no when someone tries to open up your world?

2. Weigh the pros and cons of separation. Oftentimes, people isolate themselves because it feels safe. When it’s just you, there’s less uncertainty, and less potential for discomfort. On the flip side, when you shut people out, you: miss out on relationships that could add a new layer of meaning to your life; limit your possibilities for new opportunities; and increase the chances of over-thinking and feeling bad.

3. Open up slowly. You don’t have to become everyone’s best friend. You just need to entertain the possibility of new connections, even if it’s just one. Un-strange a stranger. Let your guard down just a little and take the risk of being seen. It’s a scary thing because you can’t control someone else’s perceptions. But you don’t need to. I’ve learned it’s OK if some people don’t get me. Every time you open yourself up you reaffirm that you’re happy with who you are–whether everyone else is or not.

Whether you want other people to solve your problems, you want everyone to like you, you want to ensure no one’s better than you, or you want to protect yourself so no one can hurt you, the bottom line is this: real happiness is something we have to find within ourselves. And then hold onto as best we can when people seem unpredictable. Because they’ll always be. And so are we. The only thing that’s certain is that we’re in control of ourselves. Happiness is a choice.

Being Alone can sometimes get Lonely

2010-05-19T14:10:00.000-07:00

I am feeling lonely.

I am feeling a little out of touch with the rest of the world.

And what do I do... I curl up into myself.

It is hard. Hard to keep myself open. Hard to keep my heart open. Hard when I realize how I am the same, yet so different.

Standing for myself, I realize, sometimes I stand alone.

And I have to acknowledge that the groundedness that comes with standing alone takes time. Take time to feel and become really solid.

To trust myself takes time. But, I will not give up. Not give up on myself.

Even if it means I will feel lonely.

Starting to Change, Yet Not Changing At All

2010-05-05T07:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the only way to create something new and wonderful is to completely shed what’s been. Don’t be afraid to evolve. Don’t let yourself get attached to ideas of who you are that no longer serve you.

I am giving myself permission to just do what I think is the right thing. I check in with my body. I check for my defenses. I ask myself about my intentions. Sometimes, it is something I have never tried doing (action or speech) before either because I was afraid or I never thought of it as a possibility. Sometimes, it is something I usually do but with a new "twist," which occurs as I see myself doing it with a more clear lens. It is this moment that I act, all previous moments washed away and all future moments remain unaccounted. I know that I may be making mistakes, but if I don't, how will I ever learn? And, I want to learn. I want to learn to act from seeing clearly.

For example, I learn that the fact that people sometimes hurt other people won’t change. However, my attitudes that lead me to being hurt can change (e.g., "I deserve to be hurt" or "I am not a good person"). While people may act in ways to hurt me, I have come to recognize that my hurt is a product of how I choose to interpret those actions. With practice, I now am able to stop and see that the other person is usually hurting themselves, or have a need to bring about hurt for their own reasons (whether it is conscious to them or not). The only response, in light of this knowledge, is love. Love is the true salve for all ails.

It’s taking time to work through these things and I don’t expect to be finished by next Monday, but that’s what I love about change and self-improvement – there’s no pressure to be complete tomorrow. I can do it all at my own pace, in a way that suits me. I’m a work-in-progress. And that gives me a lot of hope.

Connections

2010-05-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

It always surprises me how somethings happen in synchrony. You stop and realize that others are asking the same questions as you, and searching for the same answers. Acquired from a friend asking about "connections"

Connections work in strange ways
You never know how or when it starts
A good conversation
A shared interest
A friendly gesture
It’s like the other person can see right into you
Read your mind
Follow your thoughts
You never run out of things to talk about
And no silence is awkward
You’re just listening
To each other breathing
To each other pondering

Connections are meant to be built on
You realize over time
If it was just a novelty
If it meant anything
If it can be sustained
And if it is real
Sometimes it falls flat and turns into nought
Circumstances change
Feelings weaken
And the connection is no more
You can only hold on to what is left
Memories

Connections must be mutual
When two hands clap in sync
The applause is strong and loud
Its impact resonates and does not die
When two souls are connected
Every word piques your interest
Every idea a gem of a thought
Happiness is shared and amplified
But when a connection is broken
And there is no chance of revival
You can’t clap alone
You have to recognize it for what it is
And close the chapter
Let it go

Interest

2010-04-24T19:58:00.001-07:00

I came across this on another blog, recommended to me by my friend AK, which comprises of many heartfelt thoughts that resonated with my own. I share this.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even if its not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from The presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the sliver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are and how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder May 1994

Wisdom and Innocence

2010-04-23T12:12:00.001-07:00

I believe people are good at heart. I believe people care. Some people say that’s naïve. Maybe so. But I’m going to try my best to prove them wrong by caring and showing it—especially when it’s hard.

Taking Responsibility for My Own Life

2010-04-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

Last evening, I wrestled. I wrestled because my parents were resorting to their old ways in communicating their hurt and angry feelings towards me - putting me down and making me feel guilty and shame. I really wanted to blame them - blame them for making me feel insecure, for not trusting in myself and my abilities, and for keeping myself so guarded. Then, I realized, I am no longer these things and I am an adult - my own person - capable of making my own choices as to how I wish to think, feel and behave.

I am who I am, and I do not have to fulfill any expectations that I do not myself set (in a loving way).

So rather than blame, I chose to forgive. I forgive them for not knowing how to express their love and concern for me in a healthy way, because I know it is a result of them never having learned how to do that themselves. And by forgiving them, I see the hurt but I also see the love behind it. I acknowledge they care, and I can accept that including their way of showing it no matter how unpleasurable it is for me.

"We do this by forgiving our parents, even if they have not asked for our forgiveness, so that we can be free. We end the abusive relationship with our partner, who may never admit to any wrongdoing, because we are willing to take responsibility for how we are treated. In short, we love ourselves as we want to be loved and create the life we know we deserve. We leave the resolution of the wrongs committed against us in the hands of the universe, releasing ourselves to live a life free of blame. "

The Real Thing

2010-04-19T06:52:00.000-07:00

I must thank my friend CP for introducing me to this website. Today's post was especially relevant to me and what I have been evaluating over the last year. I feel reassured that my thoughts are echoed in this article, and that I am on a path that is meaningful.

The Real Thing
Love Should Feel Good

Love should feel good. Relationships that leave you feeling depleted, sad and making excuses are not based in love.Often in our lives, we fall prey to the idea of a thing rather than actually experiencing the thing itself. We see this at play in our love lives and in the love lives of our friends, our family, and even fictional characters. The conceptualizing, depiction, and pursuit of true love are multimillion-dollar industries in the modern world. However, very little of what is offered actually leads us to an authentic experience of love. Moreover, as we grasp for what we think we want and fail to find it, we may suffer and bring suffering to others. When this is the case, when we suffer more than we feel healed, we can be fairly certain that what we have found is not love but something else. When we feel anxious, excited, nervous, and thrilled, we are probably experiencing romance, not love. Romance can be a lot of fun as long as we do not try to make too much of it. If we try to make more of it than it is, the romance then becomes painful. Romance may lead to love, but it may also fade without blossoming into anything more than a flirtation. If we cling to it and try to make it more, we might find ourselves pining for a fantasy, or worse, stuck in a relationship that was never meant to last. Real love is identifiable by the way it makes us feel. Love should feel good. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to our core, touching a part of ourselves that has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling us with warmth and light. An authentic experience of love does not ask us to look a certain way, drive a certain car, or have a certain job. It takes us as we are, no changes required. When people truly love us, their love for us awakens our love for ourselves. They remind us that what we seek outside of ourselves is a mirror image of the lover within. In this way, true love never makes us feel needy or lacking or anxious. Instead, true love empowers us with its implicit message that we are, always have been, and always will be, made of love.

An Open Heart

2010-04-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

Clipped Two Different Posts (for two different reasons) to highlight:

I know. I did too. It was heart breaking! Seeing both Booth and Brennan cry after he says he always knew she was the one.. and she can't open up her heart enough to trust him with hers (the ultimate reason). She hates psychology but this is a classic example of fearing what we could do to others when in reality we are afraid of what they could do to us.

Living with an Open Heart

There have been historic amounts of snow falling in Philadelphia and the Northeast; so, it is easy to find yourself being cold. Yesterday, I woke up to a snowed-in morning and before I got out of bed I realized I was thinking about the ability to express love in my half-sleep/wake mode. It felt like I was thinking but I realized I was projecting what I thought to someone else as if I felt my thoughts through the other person and not myself. I was feeling as though I had “stepped out” of my being and into another persons’ being.

Either way, I was feeling different and thinking of the sad reality that most of us are prisoners of the self, or the self that is imposed by our immediate surroundings and family, our society, culture, upbringing, circumstances and predispositions. As a whole most of us do not take the time to express and live through love. It is quite possible that the world tears at you and slowly your heart can become closed.; this can be limiting yet a protective and pointed way of living a modern life. But, what about when you feel like you want to say or do something different in a situation and you are almost debilitated, incapacitated by your old behavior, by the old you? It prompted questions: How long have you been living in the old, same you? When do you feel you will be strong enough to overcome your old self and break the chains to change? When will we say enough and surrender to truly open our heart center and live from there?

This morning I turned on my heart light and I opened my heart a little wider. I don’t know how long it will stay this open. I don’t know if it will get discarded, like the snow that covers the ground as the sidewalk gets shoveled. I do know that for a full 15 minutes I felt this warm buzzing, so strong, and it was my heart resonating, vibrating L O V E. I didn’t need a particular person to claim it or cherish it. It didn’t need to be sent to anyone, I let it radiate out into the Universe as far as it could go. Funny, it really didn’t go that far and maybe that is because I needed the love myself. It is said in spiritual practice that you must first love yourself before you can love others. I truly believe that idea. Loving with an open heart yourself, your life and others is a process and exercise of letting go.

Funny, I hadn’t even think of the whole Valentine’s Day connection; but, it popped into my mind and suddenly I really savored the idea of taking time to open my heart and using these moments to pledge to myself that I will live connected to and from the heart. For me having an open heart has been a bit by bit process to embody. In the past, I was scared to express these types of emotions to others or myself. Today, I feel rewarded to get further into the realm of Open Heart and Universal Love and Consciousness and further away from a selfish me that thought the world did me wrong and closed me down. It is only I who can send out the Love I want to give and receive in living life.

Ahh, snow angels, give me wings, I am on my way..

MEDITATION FOR ANYWHERE- (3- 5 minutes) –

Try focusing on yourself or another person in your life and visualize pure love flowing from your heart into theirs or your own heart.

Deep breathing through your intention, focusing on the energy you are sending out. You could see the color green, feel the heart opening and streaming, pouring love into the heart. You can even put your hands over your heart to connect the mind and body to the spirit. When finished sit quietly and absorb the sensations you created through the practice.

This is a practice to become more heart centered/connected and one that hopefully reminds you of the beauty in Love.

Daily OM - Part Trois

2010-04-13T15:48:00.001-07:00

I obviously can continue... this person(s) writes so wonderfully my thoughts and sentiments:-

What We See
Judging Others

When we judge others we should ask ourselves where these judgments come from, is it something we see in ourselves?

Though it is human to evaluate people we encounter based on first impressions, the conclusions we come to are seldom unaffected by our own fears and our own preconceptions. Additionally, our judgments are frequently incomplete. For example, wealth can seem like proof that an individual is spoiled, and poverty can be seen as a signifier of laziness—neither of which may be true. At the heart of the tendency to categorize and criticize, we often find insecurity. Overcoming our need to set ourselves apart from what we fear is a matter of understanding the root of judgment and then reaffirming our commitment to tolerance.

When we catch ourselves thinking or behaving judgmentally, we should ask ourselves where these judgments come from. Traits we hope we do not possess can instigate our criticism when we see them in others because passing judgment distances us from those traits. Once we regain our center, we can reinforce our open-mindedness by putting our feelings into words. To acknowledge to ourselves that we have judged, and that we have identified the root of our judgments, is the first step to a path of compassion. Recognizing that we limit our awareness by assessing others critically can make moving past our initial impressions much easier. Judgments seldom leave room for alternate possibilities.

Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.” If we are quick to pass judgment on others, we forget that they, like us, are human beings. As we seldom know what roads people have traveled before a shared encounter or why they have come into our lives, we should always give those we meet the gift of an open heart. Doing so allows us to replace fear-based criticism with appreciation because we can then focus wholeheartedly on the spark of good that burns in all human souls.

Daily OM - Part Deux

2010-04-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

Another article that echoes my sentiment...!

An Inner Choice
Peace

There cannot be peace in the world until we have it in our own hearts and minds, our own families and neighborhoods.

Often we look at the outside world and find it in a state of seeming chaos or disorder. We feel compelled to transform the situation from one of turmoil into one of peace, yet we are often disappointed in our best attempts to do so. One reason for this is that we cannot bring to the world what we do not have to offer. Peace starts in our own minds and hearts, not outside of ourselves, and until its roots are firmly entrenched in our own selves, we cannot manifest it externally. Once we have found it within, we can share it with our family, our community, and the whole wide world. Some of us may already be doing just that, but for most of us, the first step is looking within and honestly evaluating the state of our own relationship to peacefulness.

Interestingly, people who manifest peace internally are not different from us; they have chattering thoughts and troubled emotions like we all do. The difference is that they do not lend their energy to them, so those thoughts and feelings can simply rise and fall like the waves of the ocean without disturbing the deeper waters of peacefulness within. We all have this ability to choose how we distribute our energy, and practice enables us to grow increasingly more serene as we choose the vibration of peace over the vibration of conflict. We begin to see our thoughts and feelings as tiny objects on the surface of our being that pose no threat to the deep interior stillness that is the source of peacefulness.

When we find that we are able to locate ourselves more and more in the deeper waters and less on the tumultuous surface of our being, we have discovered a lasting relationship with peace that will enable us to inspire peace beyond ourselves. Until then, we help the world most by practicing the art of choosing peace within.

Daily OM - a hop, skip and stumble into delight!

2010-04-13T15:37:00.000-07:00

My friend CP recommended this website to me the other day as we exchanged inspiration(s).

Daily OM

Today, I stumbled onto this message.

Often the best way to create change is not to try to convince others to change, but to change ourselves.

We all know from experience that we can’t change other people, yet most of us have a tendency to try. This is because we naturally feel the need to do something to change situations that we find troubling. It often doesn’t occur to us that the best way to create change is not to try to convince others to change but to change ourselves. When we make adjustments from within, we become role models for others, and leading by example is much more inspiring than a lecture or an argument.

We sometimes look outside ourselves for what’s wrong with the world, but the outside world is really just a mirror reflecting us back to ourselves. When we encounter negativity—anger, depression, fear—we empower ourselves by looking for its roots inside of ourselves. For example, if you have a friend who is unreliable, observe yourself and notice if there are ways in which you are unreliable. You may be surprised to discover that you have your own struggles with this issue in ways you weren’t able to see. Once you own the issue for yourself, you can begin to work for change within yourself. This will also enable you to have more compassion for your friend. At the very least, as you strive to become more reliable, you will become more of the person you want to be. In the best-case scenario, you will be an inspiration to others.

You can apply the same method to larger issues. For example, if there is something you see in the larger world that you would like to change—let’s say, greed—try taking responsibility for changing it in yourself. Instead of being angry with those you see as greedy, seek out the roots of your own greed and come to terms with your power to transform it. This may be the best way to lead the world toward greater moderation and generosity.

Thank you to the author - s/he echoed my sentiments so thoughtfully.

To The White Rabbit...

2010-04-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

When I speak of not feeling human, I do not think I am not human like others. I know very much for a fact that I am human complete with human thoughts, emotions, etc. However, I feel disconnected from the other humans. The reason for this disconnect is because (for whatever reason) I recognize that much of the way I see, think, feel, perceive the world is very different from how people tell me I should see, think, feel or perceive. The people I refer to are those who brought me up - parents, family, teachers, peers. That's how I do not feel "human."

In my bid to feel connected, to understand, I have tried on many skins and held many personas. Only to realize, that I am none of those things. I am me.

What you are seeing is my self coming to fruition - I am only starting to see who I truly am and accept myself that way. For example, I find wonder in the smallest things, and rather be laughing than frowning. In fact, there is so much I have come to realize in my 28 years that I have come to understand is UNIQUE about me (everyone has a little piece, but what makes it unique is the combination of all those different little pieces that makes me - ME). In the same, I find people curious - I love to "see' all those different little pieces that make them uniquely who they are - each and everyone.

As a young person (since I was 8, I believe), I wanted to get away from it all. I wanted the space to think independently about who I am and what my path was about. There were a lot of perplexing questions - and I was always one with an open and curious mind, always wanting and willing to learn from myself and from others. I find and recognize that how I see the world and how I live in it is a product of my mind. It is those perspectives that make me think and feel what I do. And the questions that I ask come from my heart, my life and the experiences within it. Each question will lead to an answer, which leads only to another question. Believe me, this does not trouble me. Perhaps, the answer at the end of this path is "42." I am not distressed by this - I enjoy this journey, in fact.

I have always had an open, inquisitive, and somewhat skeptical mind about things that present themselves to me. I examine it with reason (sometimes in meditation) and put it to test in my life. And as I gain insight into my mind, I recognize how to deal with my day-to-day experiences of thoughts and emotions. I uncover inaccurate and unhelpful habits of thinking and begin to correct them.

I cannot escape having a "philosophy of life" because I know it guides my thoughts, feelings and ultimately my actions - kindness/indifference; generosity/selfishness; patience/blame... etc.

I do not simply want to accept things without having examined it - but after having examined it, I find that there is no answer, I know I am satisfied. I know this because I have experienced this, and am perfectly comfortable not knowing.

[The following revolves around astrology, but I cannot help but see the resemblance to what I am trying to communicate]

Fixed Air & Mutable Water this is perhaps the strangest combination. Both of these signs are unconventional as far as society is concerned. They seem to know things other people don’t know. Aquarius desire to know with Pisces intuition could be very helpful. However, they aren’t on the same wave length. It takes some objective observation to make this unusual combination fit. Society is no help when it comes to putting it together. Pisces belongs to the mystics while Aquarius belongs to the scientist. Of course, no one fits this pattern exactly.
Both must find a part of society in which they feel most comfortable. Those dealing with this cusp of qualities in one chart must find a unique way to blend these two abilities on their own. Most of you will be rather silent about what you are able to recognize since you realize very early that no one else recognizes things as they appear to be to you. If you worry too much about other people, you may put so much pressure on yourself to fit in that you distort the best of what you have. If you are able to deal with the difference you recognize between you and the society in which you find yourself, it is possible for you to develop some real genius qualities. It will be up to you to recognize these differences and not try too hard to get the recognition you would like to have to help you develop your ideas. If you have enough control without looking weird, you will be able to learn something from everyone, even if they understand very little, if anything, about the way you see your world. Psychic phenomena is natural to you. If society laughs at this too early in your life, you will shut it off and deny you ever saw anything. You will learn very soon that others don’t see what you see. You will have to decide whether you can find a safe way to be yourself or if it would be safer to try to be more like everyone else. Singers, actors, authors, and that in-between group which cannot be classified are able to do a good job with this cusp.

Someday You Will Be LOVED

2010-04-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

A broken heart eventually mends,
Scars heal when we attend to them.
The pain one feels eventually ends,
No matter how hard now it is to comprehend.

It took 36 hours to digest, process and finally accept that I too will be loved. Just for who I am.

~K~

Feeling (In)human

2010-03-31T13:21:00.000-07:00

Mantra of today: I am human, therefore I err. To not make mistakes is to be inhuman.

All this time, I thought I needed to be perfect.

Then the truth hits me - Nobody is perfect!

No wonder I have felt so disjointed from the rest of the world. I have been trying so hard to become something I can never be - only adding to my sense of failure.

Today, however, I am sitting in the sun, and I realize (like a light bulb on the top of my head just blew!) - I have to accept that to be human means I make mistakes.

My character is not defined by "never" making mistakes; rather, it is determined by how I resolve the mistakes that have been made. Yet, before I can resolve them, I must accept them.

"Heightened Neurosis"

2010-03-31T12:36:00.000-07:00

[As I research for a paper... I find this description of my current experience. I hope it helps my friends understand better my experience.]

(paraphrased)

In the process of developing emotional tolerance and coming to a more de-centered relationship with emotions, there can be a disturbance, or a worsening of distress.

Chodron (2001) describes the feelings distress and dread as an indication that the old patterns are loosening. As one gives up old ways of coping and looks more closely at disturbing emotions and habits, one begins to understand their hold, how they play out, and theirroots.

This process brings a period of increased distress that Buddhist have long acknowledged and called "heightened neurosis."

Studies of those who have experienced dramatic and positive life changes suggest that there is a similar period of disturbance before these types of transitions.

As with trauma work, it is essential that the client have the resources to tolerate this difficult process.

The most disturbing and feared view of self, which most often involves themes of defectiveness, undesirability, worthlessness, and failure.

Struggling...

2010-03-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

I struggle with writing.

I know this.

Yet I am in an academic program that requires I produce substantial amounts of writing.

Failing to do so means that I cannot graduate.

I am ready to graduate.

Yet, my struggle has led me to remain another year within this program.

Sigh.

A New Year, The Same Me

2010-02-01T10:10:00.000-08:00

...albeit with a few modifications.

2009 ended and 2010 began with travels to the U.K. and France (Paris and Nimes).
And 2010 began with some decisions (not resolutions) to try something different or re-try something old.

The first decision was to make a concentrated effort at being a vegetarian. Most friends think it's about health or ethics or finances. It's none of these. It's about discipline - to acknowledge the options that are available to you and make that one choice to keep to your decision.

The second decision was to review the "stuff" that I have and decide whether I really need it (as oppose to want it). That which I do not need I then decided I am going to give away. This decision has since become a charity initiative organized by myself and a fairy friend VS.

The third decision was to totally (finally) cut-off all my financial apron-strings. This was the easiest for me to do, though toughest on my pocket. Yet, I have to start being realistic with my spending habits and the only way to become disciplined about that is to have some real sense of my financial "worth."

And one month into it, I am not doing too bad. Will keep you updated.

SHIFTING SANDS OF TIME !

2009-12-14T10:56:00.000-08:00

Time moves,
so do we
But the Child in us is Free
It does not grow
As Events come and go
Age makes you wiser, they say
but Impressions Linger,
as we weighthe second self or alter ego
Lives what we would be and not are on show
Memories of past, good and bad
are better forgotten on the road
Rocky foundations not shifting sands of Time
take imprints and leave footprints on the sands of Time !

muppets

2009-11-27T21:03:00.000-08:00

Since I could remember, I was always a fan of the Muppets.
Sesame Street to The Muppet Show to every other movie with them as the starring cast.
There was something about them - it was 'magical'

No Need To Argue

2009-11-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

There 's no need to argue anymore
I gave all i could
But it left me so sore
And the thing that makes me mad
is the one thing that I had

As much as people who care can speak to me about accepting myself,
and as much as intellectually I can understand it;
I am beginning to realize that deep within me,
I have to feel it.

Empty

2009-11-14T20:50:00.000-08:00

All I can feel ...

This very moment is empty.

The Light @ The End of The Tunnel

2009-10-25T16:51:00.000-07:00

Hope that the light symbolizes the end, but prepare yourself should it be instead the light from an oncoming train.

Know Who I Am

2009-10-25T16:44:00.000-07:00

This past week was an interesting one for me.
I have had a few triumphs and a few stagnation points.
Yet, through it all, I felt rather weepy.
Before I ascribe it to simply hormones (and it could simply be hormones), I want to ask myself if there is something I am just not permitting myself to see or to accept.
The truth is that I have worked very hard these past few years towards developing my sense of self and with it the confidence.
While my thin veneer of confidence is now bolstered by a real sense of worth, there still is a little doughnut-hole filled with air.
Yes, deep inside, there is a nugget of emptiness.
Though before it was easy to pierce through my veneer and enter this space, it is much harder now.
But here I am... feeling it. Feeling that void.

My mantra... "Just trust myself."

Don't Forget to Breathe

2009-10-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

"So don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
Your whole life is here
No eleventh hour reprieve
So don't forget to breathe"

This past year, I learned an important lesson.
Life is to be lived in the moment (not for the moment) - a moment that can last as long as a breath (perhaps, even a moment shorter than it takes for one to complete a breath).
In that moment, a lot can happen.
And each moment floats into the next.
Don't get caught up in the past - simply acknowledge how it's brought you to this moment.
Don't fret about the future - recognize you have choices within the moment to take you where you need to go.
Yet, where you end up - in that moment, there is always something... it may not be what you expected but when you step back and appreciate that moment for what it is, you might find it is exactly what it has to be.

Forgive the ramble - that's how these thoughts presented themselves to me and I wrote them down "freehand"

Be Yourself

2009-10-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

"even when you've paid enough
been put upon or been held up
with every single memory of
the good or bad, faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
i'm sure everything will end up alright
you may win or lose"

-Be Yourself, Audioslave-

Every day is proving to be a learning experience - learning about myself, the people that surround me and the human race in general.
The most important thing I am learning is who I am, truly.
And the most important practice during this time (and I know for the future) is the acceptance of this which I discover of myself and to simply "be myself."

[Not that I follow much of the zodiac and personality etc. ... but this definition of my cusp is oddly true]

Awareness of Pleasant Events - Day FOUR

2009-10-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

As part of a mindfulness project,

I am suppose to note when a pleasant event or experience occurs, focus my awareness on the event while it is happening, and record it.

DAY FOUR (Friday, October 10 2009):

Q. What was the pleasant event?
A. Listening to a live performance of Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings" by the Philadelphia Orchestra

Q. Describe what you noticed while the pleasant event was occurring.

How did your body feel? What mental events, thoughts, and emotions did your notice?
A. My body was overcome with the rawness of realizing I was hearing this piece live.
A. Mentally, my mind was taken over with gratitude by the fact that I was able to hear this piece live.
A. Emotionally, I was moved to tears.

The reality is... this is my experience of the piece. I cannot truly put into words. So experience it for yourself...

Awareness of Pleasant Events - Day THREE

2009-10-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

As part of a mindfulness project,

I am suppose to note when a pleasant event or experience occurs, focus my awareness on the event while it is happening, and record it.

DAY THREE (Friday, October 09 2009):

Q. What was the pleasant event?
A. Realizing the concern the members of my committee have for my future career and making the effort to help me realize my dream.

Q. Describe what you noticed while the pleasant event was occurring.

How did your body feel? What mental events, thoughts, and emotions did your notice?
A. Body was relaxed throughout, but at the end of the meeting, it was filled with warmth.
A. Mentally, I was reminding myself that my committee members were conversing out of concern for me and the hard questions they were asking were for them to ascertain how they can be of assistance to me.
A. Emotional, it felt good to know that I was cared for in such a manner.

How to Discover New Music (I.E. Pandora)

2009-10-02T11:33:00.001-07:00

Yes, this is a how-to for people interested in discovering new music.

Pandora Music - Access this website
Type in the name of a band OR a song that you know you like
Wait (Patience is KEY)
The first song is usually by the band you requested (or the band that played the song requested)
Pay Attention to the next couple of songs they play

... And every now and then, you key in a band/song and you are greeted by 5 songs you've heard before and are happy to hear again...

... And other times, you hear rare songs from the band, which suddenly becomes more your favorite than that radio-overplayed single that introduced you to the band in the first place ...

So go ahead, discover new music - all by yourself!

*tongue-in-cheek*

The Wise Saying of a Shuttle Driver (and a Good Start to a Monday)

2009-09-28T04:39:00.000-07:00

Every Monday morning at 7:00, I use the services of my rental company's courtesy shuttle to take me from my place of residence to my place of work. And as his solo passenger at that hour (usually), every ride is always a learning experience. Today's ride was no exception and our discussion was even one of coincidence given the start of my day.

The alarm of my clock radio woke me to The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You" at 6:00am, and I laid in bed for another 30 minutes listening to the tunes paying just a little more attention than I used to before [Author's Note: The lyrics to The Pretenders' song was rather poignant for me]. I decided that today I will be more mindful of my actions and took my time to have my shower and get dressed. It was 6:55am by the time I was ready (yes, I take all of 25 minutes to shower and dress in the mornings). I then proceeded to take my time to pack my bag for the day and checked TWICE. I walked out of my residence this morning for the first time certain that I did not forget anything of importance for the day - even the ticket for the concert I will be attending later in the evening.

Promptly at 7:10am, the shuttle came by the corner and with a cheerful greeting, I boarded. Today's conversation was about the patience and people's current lack of patience. We spoke about the importance of delayed gratification in children and teaching them the value of that which they are impatient to obtain/achieve. Yet, the best part of the conversation was towards the end when he said [and I paraphrase, of course], "When you give yourself the time to do something properly and you see the results of such efforts, then you can truly start to appreciate it and with that find worth in yourself." He was giving the example of taking the time to study for a test and be patient when sitting for an exam (the state's licensure exam for social workers to be precise) for which he was ranked 8th among his fellow students. I could not help but smile... it was a start of a good day.

On a separate note, being patient is not only about being so with yourself but also with the people you interact with.

[To continue about it being a good day and the kind knowledge of knowing there is good people, I walked up to my usual coffee cart and sincerely asked if $5.00 would cover a cup of latte and a chocolate croissant (my usual Monday breakfast fare - very Italian). She rang up the register and we saw that I came short by 15 cents, to which she said, "It does not matter. We'll just take it from my tip jar." My heart warmed by her generosity, I paused only to realize suddenly that I did not take into account the handful of change I may have in my wallet. And there it was - 15 cents, and none to be taken from her tipjar. I apologized, but she simply smiled and said, "Nobody counts their change as money they have. Even I forget that." I thanked her again as she prepared my latte.]

Freedom...for Burma (Myanmar)

2009-09-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

The other night (after the U2 concert actually), it came to my attention that not many of my friends or other Americans that I know are aware of the situation in Burma.

Burma, located in South-East Asia (my home region), was a British colony until from 1886-1948. In 1947, General Aung San was in charge of the transitional government but he was assassinated shortly after by political rivals. From 1948-1961, Burma was a democratic republic only to have it end by a military coup d'état in 1962 - The Burmese JUNTA came to existence. General Ne Win, who orchestrated the bold move, continued to rule the country after establishing a one-party system - Burma Socialist Programme Party. There were frequent demonstrations by students, a mass exodus of individuals of Indian (South Asian) origin, a retreat of Muslims to Bangladesh, and the death of many nationals. In 1989, there was another coup d'etat followed by a declaration of martial law that set the stage for the People's Assembly elections. One individual campaigned for democracy under the banner of "The National League for Democracy" won 60% of the seats, but the results were annulled by "The State Law and Order Restoration Council," which was the very party that established the elections - another Burmese JUNTA. And, in order to keep this individual from participating in politics, she was detained and currently remains under house arrest.

This individual is Aung San Suu Kyi. Her politics are informed by pacifist leaders before her (e.g., Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr.) and her Buddhist teachings. And she is commonly acknowledged for "It is not power that corrupts but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it."

However, as she sits at home trying to fight for the freedom of her people from the current military junta in power, the Burmese people have themselves been protesting. The most recent I am aware of is September 18 2007 when Buddhist monks took to the streets of Burma to protest in a non-violent fashion. According to reports, the military cracked down on this protest on September 26 2007, and the incident was coined the Saffron Revolution.

The Burmese people continue their protest even outside of their home country.

"If we fear, we lose this freedom. The freedom is for the people who dare to use it. You have to use it. If you don't dare to use it, you lose it."

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

2009-09-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

A lot of people describe me as "aloof," "stand-offish," "cold," and perhaps a whole lot more that falls in the same category. Those are the people who do not know me. I have a tough exterior, a little rough even, which I am willing to admit sometimes adds to my appeal. And, it is always difficult to explain to someone the reason for my being so. Yet, how do I explain that the many years having walked through this world alone has taught me that I cannot do it alone but that I do not have the skills within me to reach out to you. And that I am waiting for you to reach out to me, make me feel safe and allow me to open myself - to show you what depths lay within me (of thought, of emotion, of humor). If only I knew what it is I have to say or do to show you how to connect to me - I would gladly be vulnerable. Because, well I know, I cannot make it on my own.

Stay...

2009-09-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

Date: September 24, 2009
Time: 7:00 PM - 12:00 AM
Location: NY Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

Event: U2 360 Tour

U2 lived up to their reputation - a BRILLIANT live performance for a band that has been successfully around as long as I have been alive and the audience of 85,000+ was testament to that fact. Having been a fan of theirs since my uncle passed me their Joshua Tree album when I was around 10 years of age, this was a lifetime dream come true. As with every tour, they played songs still unfamiliar from their new album and slowly slid into familiar song after familiar song. The crowd was on their feet, arms in the air or around a loved one, and their voices sung line after line in chorus. If anything, this must be the religious experience that BONO often refers to when he talks about performing to a large audience - to have everyone, in a single moment, be in harmony and sound like ONE.

Yet, if I had to choose without a doubt what song I would take from that night... it would be this one:

[Pardon Me, I did not record it myself nor could I find one that was actually performed the night of the concert I attended but this is rather close...]

If I could stay - then the night would give you up
Stay - then the day would keep its trust
Stay with the demons you drowned
Stay with the spirit I found
Stay, and the night would be enough

Super-Hero versus Super-Human

2009-09-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

DC Comics = Superhero

Marvel Comics = Superhuman

Superman versus Spiderman.

One an "alien" being on Earth enabled with super-powers, the other a simple kid who got bitten by a mutant spider and left to understand what to make of his new-found abilities. Both trying to juggle what it must be to fit into "normal" human society even with the knowledge that "normal" is not how they should be defined by the same society. While the former has a clear idea that his purpose is to do good and serve society, the latter struggles with his own human fantasies to eventual decipher what would be considered the responsible course of action.

And for that simple reason, I am drawn to the superhuman over the caricature of the superhero. For we, "normal" humans, all struggle with having to face our fears/desires when making (sometimes tough) decisions that we hope will be the right one. Yet, what makes a decision the right one?

At a talk last evening, I was presented with a decision-making scenario - one which I use often when it comes to my work, but now shown to be applicable in all domains of life. This scenario: Think not what is the more natural course of action, but rather what is the most beneficial course of action. It really is a question of what one's intentions are behind the choices one makes - are they coming from a self-centered or other-centered point of view? If we all took a little longer to stop and process what the intent of our actions is and what may be the repercussions of those actions towards the other person, we might come to understand "beneficial" course of action as one where we do not wish harm onto the other person.

I had a written a similar post a long time ago, and someone left a comment stating something to the effect of, "even plans with the best of intentions can go awry." And to this, I finally reply: one cannot know the outcome of one's actions necessarily, but if one knows that one meant well at the time of action then one cannot fault oneself for things that may be out of one's control.

And so my friends, with a little kindness and empathy for the next person, we can all be superhuman.

If You Want to Sing Out...

2009-09-22T16:59:00.001-07:00

The Enigma of Blue Skies [Tribute Concert for the Fraternal Order of Police of Philadelphia @ the Mann Center]

2009-09-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

Since 2008, I have had the privilege of attending a few concerts (classical, operatic, and contemporary) at the Mann Concert Center in Fairmount Park, Philadelphia. It is a beautiful venue, but especially for the performance of classical pieces by the Philadelphia Orchestra. This past Sunday (09/20/2009) was no different - a tribute concert on the behalf of the FOP of Philadelphia.
My friends GFB (this is the reverse of that famous and loved Roald Dahl character, BFG - sorry, it has just come to my attention) and ES, their respective boyfriends A? and HN, and I got vouchers to obtain free tickets for the concert that promised orchestral versions of patriotic, classical and contemporary favorites. The concert list included Copeland, Gould, Elgar, themes from "Rocky" (i.e. everyone's favorite Philadelphian movie) and "Superman." Even Tony Danza was there to belt out a Sinatra tune.
Yet, the music program aside, it was the freedom of the venue that most appeals to me. We all laid out our picnic blankets, topped it with various goodies we had recently purchased (e.g., pita, hummus, tortilla chips, 5-layer dip, carrots, grapes, crostini, chevre), poured wine (shiraz) into our little paper cups, and proceeded to seat ourselves comfortably.
There was the anthem, the patriotic classics, and then...

to which I laid back, closed my eyes and for a moment found myself lost in the music only to open my eyes to

Now, that's truly an experience I hope I can re-live over and over again.

Needs Versus Wants

2009-09-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

I recall myself once saying that people tend to confuse wants with needs, and never vice versa.
Needs = Necessity
Wants = Desire/Wish

Somethings we come to believe are such requirements that to be without, we come to possibly believe we would not survive.
Yet, regardless of whether we have them or not, we continue to exist and exist well.
At times, we think of a want so much as a need that we forgo what we deserve in light of possessing that object of our desire.
We, humans, are so good at convincing ourselves that something that may not be a necessary thing for us (especially in circumstances where that object brings more harm than good) is a need, we forget to appreciate when something we want comes our way.

I've got nothing left
I've given my best
And I know I can't do this
On my own
I'm torn between
Going after dreams
Or living with regret
Of letting go
I'm done with banging my head against the door
But can you peel me off this floor
Cuz I don't know if I can get up again
What I want may not be what I need
Have I been let down?
Or am I learning now?
To trust in what I cannot see
But I'm tired of trying to figure out what you want
And tired of always screwing up
But this is all of me
What I want may not be what I need
Just let it go…
What I want may not be what I need

Making Mistakes

2009-09-20T19:34:00.001-07:00

Funny, but true.

Mistakes provide you with the opportunity to take a step back.

It puts a halt to your skip, and should you choose to,

makes you assess where you are at that very moment and where you intend to go from there.

Sometimes,

we keep right on the path we have set for ourselves
we stop for a moment longer and take that moment in just a little more
we turn right around and try to find from where we came
we find ourselves moving forward in a different direction, one we may never knew existed before our pause

Yet, many of us fear making mistakes.

What we really fear are the repercussions we may have to face for having made the mistake(s).

Growing up, I was always hastily and heavily reprimanded for my "mistakes."

I put this word in quotation marks because I was never always aware what the mistake had been.

Nor was I necessarily made aware.

And leave a child, punished, alone to decide what was wrong...

that child ultimately decides the mistake lies within.

That the child, ultimately, is the mistake - that I could do no right,

and if I did I called it "luck."

Nevermind that I was not aware of the crime for which I was being punished,

I was not even educated about the circumstances at play.

All I came to learn was that I made a mistake and that I was wrong.

After awhile, making mistakes was unacceptable.

To make a mistake means having to face that something was wrong about myself.

The irony is - I can accept others making mistakes;

I do not think there is necessarily anything wrong with them.

I mean is it not human to err...?

Now, I make mistakes, and I look forward to learning my mistake and evaluating how to respond to it.

For it is not about making the mistake, but about how I choose to respond to it.

Trust...

2009-09-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

I saw this scene and cried - very rarely is there a scene in a show that directly addresses what I feel inside.

So long I have lived by my own set of rules, which were crafted from my own experiences. The basis for these rules were simple - "Don't do on to others what I wish to not be done on to me." And after awhile, you realize that it gets tough and people make mistakes. Emotions cloud judgment. And nothing is forever. At the end of the day, the only person you find yourself trusting and depending on is yourself.

What could be more sexy...

2009-09-19T20:15:00.000-07:00

than the combination of strong and feminine?

13 Most Beautiful

2009-09-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

Friday evening, and I spent one and a half hours of it in NYC sitting in a theatre located on the intersection of Broad and South in Philadelphia.
Set against the backdrop of 13 screen test videos shot by Andy Warhol, Dean and Britta (of Luna fame) performed inspired compositions and covers of familiars (e.g., Bob Dylan, Velvet Underground). Each song more riveting from the one before. Yet, the most enchanting aspect of the entire performance were the screen tests of the individual(s) themselves. Warhol filmed each screen test at 16 frames a second (as opposed to the usual 24 frames a second) allowing for him to capture even the slightest twitch, shiver, swallow that often is so subtle to the human eye (or the MTV-generation attention span) that it goes unnoticed and forgotten - the subtleties of human emotion and personality. Mary Woronov says it best in her book - "You would see the person fighting with his/her image - trying to protect it. You can project your image for a few seconds, but after that it slips and your real self will starte to show through. [...] You saw the person and the image." Indeed, altogether at once, you see the layers of the person as they sit in front of the camera for all the 4 minutes of film Warhol had to his disposal. And all of that to a brilliant soundtrack (not forgetting to mention the little autobiographical snippets of the 13 most beautiful that Dean and Britta cared to share with the audience). For just one and half hours, I was transported back to NYC, to a moment in time - lost.

Alicia Keys

2009-09-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
state of humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

- Superwoman-

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

- If I ain't got you -

Being in Nature within an Icebox

2009-09-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

Last evening, my friend MD invited me to join her for a dance performance entitled, "Postcards from the Woods." It was a beautiful performance with four dancers moving their bodies subtly and deliberately with respect to a 20 foot branch they were handling throughout the 55 minutes of the show. It was rather difficult to focus one's attention on all four performers, but when they all came together, the atmosphere became intense particularly between two performers who had to remain aware and negotiate both their own bodies/branches as well as the other's at the same time. The choreography was done to a backdrop of forest scenes and natural sounds, which for a moment, one felt actually transported from the bare factory space to the real outdoors. In fact, the few times I found my attention wander from the dance, I caught myself being lost feeling as though I was actually within a woodland landscape; I was amazed that even though my sense of hearing and sight were the only senses engaged, I started to feel as though the breeze was on my skin and I could smell the trees and rushing water of a stream nearby. Even the performers, as human as they were, felt transformed to woodland nymphs or became an ethereal part of the landscape. Thank you MD - for a wonderful experience and the opportunity to find with you a blossoming friendship.

Unconditional Love...

2009-09-16T09:49:00.000-07:00

When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’

This article could not have come at a better time.

"temper brings your trouble, pride keeps your there

2009-09-16T03:30:00.000-07:00

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way... that is not easy. - Aristotle-

I know the feeling of anger only too well. I know how it feels in my body. I know how it makes me think. I know how it makes me consider the world around me. I know how it can take over any sense in myself. I say harsh words. I do harsh things. Even to the people I care the most deeply about, I am left watching the hurt erupt in their eyes only to feel very guilty after (guilt being anger driven inward, naturally).

So, while I am able to acknowledge that I feel angry, I have also learned that I do not need to react from that angry place. And while it is important, at times, for me to communicate my anger, I rather do so in a manner that is constructive and will do the least amount of damage of which I believe I am capable. Please understand what it is I am saying. One should take the moment to evaluate a situation such that one can find oneself in a position not to feel angry - for example, be compassionate towards the one who is causing you to be angry and try to understand where he or she is coming from such that you feel not anger but a sense of empathy for that person. I also try my best to pay attention to the reason why I may have angered the person, and do my best to validate those emotions and acknowledge my mistake if there was any - in other words, I am practicing not becoming defensive (another reaction where anger can quickly rise within me).

However, when one does feel angry, one needs to acknowledge it. For me, it depends on the level of anger that I experience. When my anger is still something I can communicate in a healthy manner (i.e. with kind and patient words), I do so and try my best to explain rationally what I believe to be the source of that anger I am aware that I experience within me. However, when I find that my body is becoming overwhelmed with anger, I immediately excuse myself out of the situation and stay patient so as not to say or do anything I may later regret (e.g., hurt the other person verbally usually). Then, I take the time to sit with it and evaluate it. Once I am calm from the anger, I will address it as and when I find it necessary.

1. Admit you are angry to yourself. (You do not have to admit it to anyone else, just yourself)

2. Examine what it is that makes your angry (Note: It is within your mind, within you)
- Anger challenges us to look deeply within ourselves; to learn our fears and buttons
- Most anger is self-defensive

3. Do not hang onto the anger

4. Let go of anger with patience - patience for yourself and the other person

5. Don't feed the anger
“When you express your anger you think that you are getting anger out of your system, but that's not true,” he said. “When you express your anger, either verbally or with physical violence, you are feeding the seed of anger, and it becomes stronger in you.” Only understanding and compassion can neutralize anger. - Thich Nhat Hanh -

6. Compassion takes courage.
- Sometimes we confuse aggression with strength and non-action with weakness
- Giving in to the impulses of anger, allowing anger to hook us and jerk us around, is weakness. - On the other hand, it takes strength to acknowledge the fear and selfishness in which our anger usually is rooted. It also takes discipline to meditate in the flames of anger.

“Conquer anger by non-anger. Conquer evil by good. Conquer miserliness by liberality. Conquer a liar by truthfulness.” (Dhammapada, v. 233)" - Buddha-

Breathe

2009-09-13T09:10:00.000-07:00

With every waking breath I breathe
I see what life has dealt to me
With every sadness I deny
I feel a chance inside me die

Give me a taste of something new
To touch to hold to pull me through
Send me a guiding light that shines
Across this darkened life of mine

Breathe some soul in me
Breathe your gift of love to me
Breathe life to lay fore me
Breathe to make me breathe

For every man who built a home
A paper promise for his own
He fights against an open flow
Of lies and failures, we all know

To those who have and who have not
How can you live with what you¹ve got?
Give me a touch of something sure

I could be happy evermore

Breathe some soul in me
Breathe your gift of love to me
Breathe life to lay fore me
To see to make me breathe

Breathe your honesty
Breathe your innocence to me
Breathe your word and set me free
Breathe to make me breathe

This life prepares the strangest things
The dreams we dream of what life brings
The highest highs can turn around
To sow love¹s seeds on stony ground

Breathe
Breathe

Breathe some soul in me
Breathe your gift of love to me
Breathe life to lay fore me
To see to make me breathe

Breathe your honesty
Breathe your innocence to me
Breathe your word and set me free
Breathe to make me breathe

Listen

2009-09-12T17:59:00.001-07:00

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me, and you start to give advice you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to I listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to I listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen. All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do - just hear me.

Advice is cheap; two cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of-understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people because God is mute and he doesn’t give advice or try to fix things-God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.

So, please -Listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I listen to you.

Anonymous

* * * * * * * * * *

I came across this poem a long time ago. It struck a chord with me. I try to practise it as much as I can, but I know I forget at times. Forgive me, if I have towards you forgotten to listen...

Serenity

2009-09-12T17:25:00.001-07:00

So, to be honest, I am not a believer of GOD.
But, I am not an atheist either.
I was brought up more by philosophies of living, then theologies.
However, this prayer has more truth than most that I have come across.
One must remember, it is not of GOD that we are asking, but of ourselves.
To find within ourselves these qualities...
I wish you all the best.

Blessed Be.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

September 11.

2009-09-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

Written Year 2004.

September 11th has passed. For the third time. Two beams of light shine into the sky, seemingly endless, reaching the "heavens". Yet, they are mere shadows of the buildings that stood in its place, the buildings they have come to represent.
I remember my first year in New York City. My friend and I decided we could walk it, from the Lower East Side (LES) down to the Tribeca / Financial District. I even remember the boots I wore, poor choice of shoes for such a hike. Our goal was the bright light that guided our way (a terrestrial north star) - it sat on top of the Woolworth Building, once the tallest building. We stopped at the World Trade Center, pressing our palms to the wall signalling the end. We would go no further, our destination reached.
Now, when I make that same hike...walking in the footsteps of yesteryear, it's not the same. It's like my mind is playing tricks on me - that building you reached was never one of the towers. Your building still stands, not rubble to the eye. Only thing different is the choice of footwear.
Was it the sight of the planes going into / already in the tower...or the repeat viewing of it on television? Was it the sight of the tower crumbling, slowly at first...or simply being stunned amongst the many others on the street? Was it the rumbling of the ground beneath your feet, no matter how far you were...the proverbial shaking of the earth? All the senses bombarded, but yet there was silence. I remember the silence.
For all things around me had to be silent, that I heard so clearly in my head my own voice crying out. It cried out...
Today, when anyone asks..."Were you there?" I know they mean that day. And I am reminded again... "sakit hati". I am reminded again of those voices that cried out. People may forget, but I never will. For it was those voices, that instilled in me... a sense of life. A reality, that life is short and truly only little matters in life. A sense of good. A sense of love. A sense of joy. So, I say to all those who ask... "Were you there?"... "Yes. live good. love full. seek joy."
And for all that has been lost, know that much has been found. For one must first lose to find. And one thing I have found is that never, if it is in your power, to let them feel such a loss as you have.

Temperament, Personality & Family

2009-09-09T06:31:00.001-07:00

Oh baby baby it's a wild world,

it's hard to get by just upon a smile.

Oh baby baby it's a wild world.

I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do,

and it's breaking my heart in two,

cause I never want to see you sad girl,

don't be a bad girl,

but if you want to leave take good care,

hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,

but just remember there's a lot of bad and beware,beware,

- Wild World; Cat Stevens-

Another day, another reflection in the mirror. This time I understood my personality just a little better as I listened to someone explain to me her sense of independence, diplomacy and desire to be non-confrontational.

She grew up in a household known for its conflict. Before she knew it, she was playing "family diplomat" managing disagreements between her parents, her parents with her siblings, and her siblings. Busy trying to placate everyone's needs, and keeping the calm in the house, her voice was (from her perspective - and, therefore mine) the least heard. Another facet she developed was the ability to practice being non-judgmental. She very quickly learned she had to fend for herself, and that if there was one person to rely on, it would probably be herself. Now, it's very hard for her to ask for assistance. She will persevere to get things done the best way she knows how - her way, and only when she is aware that she can no longer do it on her own does she seek assistance, which she does only of people she trust. That list is not very long.

I spoke with my mother yesteday, and we reminisced about my childhood - how I was a good and friendly child. She mused about how I was never shy and I would always go to the assist of other children in the class when I was done with my work much to chagrin of my teachers who rather I just stayed put. It was not until after the age of 9 that I became a little more sullen and withdrawn, qualities my mother attributes to a teacher who taught me the next 4 years. According to my mother, this teacher made it a point to "teach me a lesson" about being a "good student."

Thus, I rebelled early as a child (aged 9) and very quickly lost interest in my education. Suddenly, life was about being on the streets where you learn quickly that you only had oneself to rely on and your success was dependent on your ability to make the right friends. I developed a quick sense on who to trust and who was real - I also quickly developed a distaste for people who were rather pretentious. Social norms were not for me and I operated on the principle of complete honesty. Starting at age 9, it takes awhile to realize that certain actions do not lend themselves to making friends and straight-forward honesty is definitely one of them especially when it comes in the form of cut and dry humour (most people know it by the term sarcasm).

Yet, I still managed to make friends - most of them outcastes in one shape or another. And it were these friends that demonstrated to me the most important quality of all - acceptance. Over time and with patience, I came to see we are all alike - we are all good at heart. We all had the same needs - the primary being to be understood and accepted simply for who we were as people. I learned that the best way to see this was simply by listening, and as I listened more, I came to understand that my rebellion was a farce (definition: foolish show; mockery; a ridiculous sham). All I wanted was to be heard, supported, understood and loved. And assuming I was not, I made it out that I was a tough cookie - a rebel (without a cause).

When the Day is Done...

2009-09-08T12:41:00.001-07:00

When the day is done and there is no where to go,
what else is there to do but to sit and take it slow?

Having a productive day today. Am recollecting an earlier conversation with my friend NF where I was telling her my plans for the week ahead as well as for the following week. I am certainly keeping myself busy. And, I wonder if this is a good thing for me - keeping busy. Aside from research, the clinic, workshops and the numerous outings with friends, there is quiet. Even the briefest moments of quiet can chill the warmest of hearts. The quiet almost permits my mind to ask the question, "Am I good person?"

And then... I have a conversation with an old friend (UDM) where I am told:
UDM: you knw what i like abt u;
UDM: i spill my guts, tell u exactly whats goin on in my head
UDM: n u accept everything abt me.

Update: September 20, 2009.

I was reading my meditation journal and I came across this line - When I stop trying to make a "label" for myself, I will be able to accept myself as I AM (whoever that may be).

Happy Birthday... to my Mom!

2009-09-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my Mom!

55 years old, 28 years with me being a part of them!